2007 Foolishness Already

Family I thought this year was going to be calm. I thought knee-grows were going to start having some sense. WRONG!! WRONG!! WRONG!!!! YT is confused, running around the office like they don't know THE PLANTATION done caught fire & burneth to the ground. Knee-Grows up in here faxing applications for income tax anticipation loans already!!! Lordy Lordy!!!

On New Years Eve Ms G made the decision that she was going to be a nicer sweeter kinder person. I wasn't gone talk about nobody nappy weave. They ugly chilrens pictures on they deskeses - or they high water pants (I know I'm killing yall with this vernacular-dictionary-but I got some new readers in West Virginia & Alabama). But just when I think I'm out, they pull Ms G back in.

Mr Charlie is really trying to rebuild the plantation. Honey he got Mr Martin hiding all in peoples cubicles trying to spy on 'em. Have you ever? I told Ms BBB she should have given him a shot of her rusty thong. That'll teach 'em.

Jaunita finally taking half of Michael ass - should've done it when I showed her those pictures of him & that YT toothpick at Clydes at the Verizon Center - but people gotta learn. President Pretzel sending more troops cross the water & my sister Slenderella a.k.a. Sexy Slim tomboutsome she glad cause she gone fight for her country. Her gun bigger than she is, how the hell she gone run through the sand? I told her ass she better talk to Shoshanna. She'll be the one getting shot up, broke bones while YT girl get the money, movie & a new trailer for running & hollering.

All this calamity going on I needed to go home & retreat into a serious prayer meditation session. Going straight to my bedroom, I rolled down to my yoga mat & began my chant. I was channeling all the spirits of everybody. Unfortunately BBQ King and Lil G didn't get the message. Them fools was running through the house & breaking my current like somebody was at the door with free popeyes chicken. I could not concentrate with this foolishness. I put down my donut & decided to go to home depot & buy supplies so I could build me a soundproof prayer room.

Home Depots parking lot was full. There were camera trucks, reporters all kinds of people. Damn! I would pick the week of they CEO's quitting to bring my ass in here. I push my way into the store & what a sight did I see. My cousin, yall know Lady Carabana, had her nappy head ass standing on top of the service desk with her hair flying all over her damn head looking like a broke down Diana Ross & a pre crack rehab Whitney wrapped up in one!!

She was sanging - not singing - BUT SANGING the shit out of that Listen song from Dreamgirls! She was channeling FIERCE Diana. Swinging her head from side to side, popping her eyes and erything. Then she stopped closed her eyes & belted out the beggining strings of Jennifer Holidays '...And I am Telling You!!!' The crowd went wild! I had to push my way to the service desk. Jerk Chicken, her boyfriend, was standing his simple ass up there clapping & carrying on encouraging her. That boy ain't got a lick of sense.

"Carabana! Get your ass of that desk & go comb your damn hair!!! What's wrong with you? You know Ms Carrot 'nem gone see this on CNN & go tell Bigmama" I screamed.

Honey that Bahamas bound creole slant eye heffa looked down at me like I had lost my mind. My outburst seemed to only make that heffa sing harder. Ok this was going to mean war. Our family name was at stake. We couldn't have her on national TV with her roots looking wrong.

I ran to my car & went in my emergency knee-grow project rescue kit. Retrieved the necessary items & dashed back in the store. I got Carabanas attention & told her it was her last chance to get off that counter & comb her hair. That sow kept right on sanging & turned her back on me.

I turned around and asked some nearby observers to help me on top of the counter. Men ain't got no strength these days. It took dem niggas (sorry Revs Jessie & Al - I know yall banned this word) ten minutes to get me up there. One of 'em was even yelling he broke his arm. I whipped out my Organic Grow box perm, beauty stove & flat irons & tackled that heffa to the ground.

"I'M DIANA ROSS!!! I'M DIANA ROSS" Carabana screamed while rolling around, kicking & trying to cover her head. She was no match for Ms G. I slapped that perm on there in record time & rinched it right out with my Big Gulp cup.

I know Carabana is going to be really mad with me but when she sees the news tonight & how her Kizzi & Kunta Kinte ancestors were jumping all over her head she will thank me. After this ordeal I was too tired to even think about building my prayer room. I decided I would give Gail a call when I got home and ask her to ask Oprah to build me one. She seems to like building stuff for people. Look at that school in South Africa. Real real nice & my prayer room won't cost half as much.