Death By Cosing

People I’m putting you on notice right now! Don’t call me 2 am unless someone of your direct blood pool has disappeared, died or been elected President! I was sleeping peacefully last night when the shrill ring of the telephone disturbed my dream of Reggie Bush and me getting to “know” each other.

“This better be a damn national disaster!” I growl in lieu of the conventional hello.

“Oh no! Oh no!! Cuzin open the door I’m outside. Help!” a hysterical voice cries.

I immediately spring from my bed, grab my ‘whoop a nigra ass stick’ and run down to the front door. To my horror, Lady Carabana is standing there with half her braids undone, wearing satin pajamas-very stylish I might add – and sobbing uncontrollably. OK this is going to require my Tech 9 cause some repeat offender has obviously assaulted my dear cuzin. I pull her into the house & sit her down at the kitchen table. Her breathing is erratic & she is looking a hot ass mess.

“Ok girl take & deep breath. Calm down and tell me what happened.” I say in my most soothing voice.

“Cro…” She shakes her head and grabs her heart with her left hand while raising her right to the sky, unable to continue. I rub her back in a circular fashion and tell her to take her time. “Crossroads…….is …….Crossroads… has …… OH MY GOD it’s been shut down!” She wails

Now people my first instinct was to take some of that left over diet lemon juice, pour it all over her head & set her damn ass on fire leaving her smelling like a burnt bunt cake. But you know you cain’t do that to your peoples ‘cause it’d make for a real uncomfortable family reunion.

“What am I going to do? What about my fan club? Where will we go to jump up and wave? I was supposed to see Buju next month!!” She cries on and on.

Although I want to jump on her back & beat her head on the table I restrain myself. I mean I understand what Crossroads means. It is of significant historical value to our time here in the Chocolate city. Where will go to hear the sycophantic rhythms of the island beat. Watch the Rastas beat the wall – at least the un Americanized ones. Meet our future ‘Mr Loverman’ (SHABA)?

What other club can you go to and hear the sexiest whisper of “Gal-a-wine ya poon poon pun me botty baby”? And what about that skinny guy that jumps around in there banging bottles on the wall singing all the words to every one of the songs. You know the dude that reminds you of the dancehall shows of home. I can empathize with her – NOT where I would be hollering like my Mama died – but still. So I decide not to beat her & just calm her down enough so she can tell me what happened.

It seems that Jack “Country Boodadean Lips” Johnson in his infinite wisdom decided to shut down nine “trouble spot” clubs in the county. As she went down the list of places closed my indignation grew! The Classics was one of the clubs on his list. Oh hell no! I’ve seen some of the best Mandingo swingers in the world there. What Suave, the Mandingo slinger of ALL Mandingo slingers, gone do if that closes? He 55 already it’s too late to look for a new career. I decided to fire up my laptop & see who else was on the list and the reasons behind it.

· The Millennium, Hyattsville
· Cuzco Restaurant, Hyattsville
· Tick Tock Restaurant and Bar, Hyattsville
· Crossroads Entertainment Complex, Bladensburg
· LePearl (formerly Mad Chef Café), Capitol Heights
· CFE, Forestville
· Knights of Columbus, District Heights
Classics Night Club, Camp Springs
Tradewinds

Now some of these places I had never stepped foot in cause they had a reputation for Nigras acting a complete fool and you know to leave early before the shooting & stabbing started. Sorta like the old man that leaves Harpos before Sofia tears in Squeaks ass. But some of the places weren’t too bad. I mean I’ve been to some hot parties at Knights of Columbus.

But the powers that be says they present an “imminent danger and threat to the health, safety and welfare of the public” and gotsa to go. The head Po Po in charge requested this action because he extends too many of his resources and officers on these clubs. What? I thought the officers like going there so they can holla at the half naked hoochies and get they mack on?

I suppose the next request will be to close down the metro stations in PG cause God knows you’re taking your life in your hands with all the robberies, murders and assaults that take place. Not to mention the crazy people & wayward teens who ride on the daily. I suppose next Chief High will insist that we not be allowed to drive cars cause it extends to many resources to stop the car jackers?

Now normally I would call the county offices and voice my concerns. However I gotta talk Carabana out of going to Crossroads chaining herself to the chain that’s chained to the door until the county lets them open. Poor thing. How will she survive without her weekly visits? I better call Dr Phil or Tyra.