Sucker Free
To all my loyal legions of fans instead of you Nigras calling me & writing me complaining about why I haven’t updated – HOW BOUT you call me to see if I’m still alive or ask How the Hell I’m DOING!!! I want to thank Sista Jolinda Beverly Monahue-Johnson-Smith-Calloway who was the only person who came out to the PG County Hospital Heart Trauma Center to visit me – Lady Carabana was stuck at Home Depot, at least that’s the excuse she gave me, and couldn’t visit. What was I doing in the Trauma Center you may ask? Well if you had opened my damn Washington Gas bill you would know.
It seems that ERYbody thought this was ‘Ms G’s a Sucker Week’ from all the attempts of suckeration on my life. From the gas company, BBQ King, lil children, coworkers – just the whole metro D.C. area has tried me. Honey once I opened that gas bill it was downhill from there. $284 damn dollars for one month!!! I called the police on they asses too. I dialed 911 & told them MFR’s I was reporting a robbery.
“Are you injured ma’am?” The operator asked
“Yes, my chest is tight. I cain’t breathe!”
“Did the robbers assault you in the chest area?”
“No. They assaulted my pocketbook, which in turn made me feel like somebody kicked me in my chest & chopped me cross my throat!”
“Miss it is a serious crime to make a false police report. If you do not need assistance, you should not dial 911. It is for emergency purposes only.” She replied with a major attitude.
“Biach THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! If the police won’t come can you at least send the damn paramedics cause when I opened that thievery my fat ass fell out on the kitchen floor & now my ankle is stuck under the stove and I cain’t breathe or get up!!!” I yelled into the phone.
That’s how I ended up at PG Hospital. It ain’t the cleanest, fanciest or friendliest hospital in the area. But if your black ass get shot, stabbed, assaulted, and/or robbed it’s definitely the trauma center to be at. Them peoples get more bullet holes, knife points and sliced open nigras & hola como’ estas up in that joint - so you know they experts. Shit they saved my life.
All that commotion called for a trip to Red Lobster for Lobster Fest. The kids were already hanging out for the weekend – Lil G, Lil Carabana and Mustafa’s (you know my sister through the marriage certificate) daughter, Moon Pie – so I asked them to tag along with me. However before we got up in that piece I made sure they understood the budget rules. $10 or less for your entrée & one refillable drink – no desserts!! I know what you’re thinking but hell I had a gas bill to pay.
Hemingway – Lil G & Lil Carabana told me they wanted the shrimp & lobster pasta – lunch portion of course – which is only $9.95. Smart girls. Parents raising them with some sense. I noticed that Moon Pie didn’t say anything but I figured she was still undecided. Hmmph was I wrong. That big pie face heffa was just waiting to pull a fast one. The waiter came & we all ordered. Moon Pie was the last one to order. She had the audacity to cut her eyes at me before looking at the waiter and stating “Steak and shrimp platter please!”
“Hold up how much is that?” I asked
“$17.00.” Moon Pie stated with a smirk on her face. So I politely informed her shifty eyed ass that it was over the budget limit.
“Well I will just give you the $7 difference Aunt G.”
Against my better judgment I said ok. I mean after all I had treated the kids to that horrible movie, Norbitt, plus dropped them at Golden Corral for lunch. She wouldn’t take advantage of my kindness. Would she? Well I was soon to find out. After we finished the waiter came with the bill.
“Ok Moon Pie, give me your $7.”
She looked at me with a feral gleam in her eyes and calmly began “Well really Aunt G, I only owe you $3 cause you never paid me back the $4 I loaned you to get juice for your party that time.”
Now Folks yall know I was bout to put a cussing on that lil biach but I had to catch myself – she is a kid. And although there were several options available to me like making her pay for her own damn meal & I just give her $4. Going upside her head. Leaving her at the restaurant for her mammy to pick her up. Or not paying for any of her food so she could wash dishes. I simply laughed it off with a big sucker sticker on my forehead. Yeah the slickster – like mother like daughter – got me. But I guarantee you that bottom barrel future parolee won’t get me again. I paid & we rolled out but next time, when the kids get to go somewhere real gooood – like Clyde’s or Timbuktu – guess where Fat Betty will be. You guessed it. Home with her fake wanna be Rasta – Far-Eye-Heeey mammy!!!
I would tell yall how BBQ King tried me too but some things should remain between a man and a woman. Plus I gotta go take Testy T some of Bigmama’s homemade plum vitamin leaf juice and aloe leaf balm joint compound rubbing oil. It seems she shook a tail feather waaaaay too hard at the CIAA party last weekend in Charlotte. Now that heffa falling asleep in the bathroom & hopping to the bus stop! She know 30 and over don’t dance till dawn!
It seems that ERYbody thought this was ‘Ms G’s a Sucker Week’ from all the attempts of suckeration on my life. From the gas company, BBQ King, lil children, coworkers – just the whole metro D.C. area has tried me. Honey once I opened that gas bill it was downhill from there. $284 damn dollars for one month!!! I called the police on they asses too. I dialed 911 & told them MFR’s I was reporting a robbery.
“Are you injured ma’am?” The operator asked
“Yes, my chest is tight. I cain’t breathe!”
“Did the robbers assault you in the chest area?”
“No. They assaulted my pocketbook, which in turn made me feel like somebody kicked me in my chest & chopped me cross my throat!”
“Miss it is a serious crime to make a false police report. If you do not need assistance, you should not dial 911. It is for emergency purposes only.” She replied with a major attitude.
“Biach THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! If the police won’t come can you at least send the damn paramedics cause when I opened that thievery my fat ass fell out on the kitchen floor & now my ankle is stuck under the stove and I cain’t breathe or get up!!!” I yelled into the phone.
That’s how I ended up at PG Hospital. It ain’t the cleanest, fanciest or friendliest hospital in the area. But if your black ass get shot, stabbed, assaulted, and/or robbed it’s definitely the trauma center to be at. Them peoples get more bullet holes, knife points and sliced open nigras & hola como’ estas up in that joint - so you know they experts. Shit they saved my life.
All that commotion called for a trip to Red Lobster for Lobster Fest. The kids were already hanging out for the weekend – Lil G, Lil Carabana and Mustafa’s (you know my sister through the marriage certificate) daughter, Moon Pie – so I asked them to tag along with me. However before we got up in that piece I made sure they understood the budget rules. $10 or less for your entrée & one refillable drink – no desserts!! I know what you’re thinking but hell I had a gas bill to pay.
Hemingway – Lil G & Lil Carabana told me they wanted the shrimp & lobster pasta – lunch portion of course – which is only $9.95. Smart girls. Parents raising them with some sense. I noticed that Moon Pie didn’t say anything but I figured she was still undecided. Hmmph was I wrong. That big pie face heffa was just waiting to pull a fast one. The waiter came & we all ordered. Moon Pie was the last one to order. She had the audacity to cut her eyes at me before looking at the waiter and stating “Steak and shrimp platter please!”
“Hold up how much is that?” I asked
“$17.00.” Moon Pie stated with a smirk on her face. So I politely informed her shifty eyed ass that it was over the budget limit.
“Well I will just give you the $7 difference Aunt G.”
Against my better judgment I said ok. I mean after all I had treated the kids to that horrible movie, Norbitt, plus dropped them at Golden Corral for lunch. She wouldn’t take advantage of my kindness. Would she? Well I was soon to find out. After we finished the waiter came with the bill.
“Ok Moon Pie, give me your $7.”
She looked at me with a feral gleam in her eyes and calmly began “Well really Aunt G, I only owe you $3 cause you never paid me back the $4 I loaned you to get juice for your party that time.”
Now Folks yall know I was bout to put a cussing on that lil biach but I had to catch myself – she is a kid. And although there were several options available to me like making her pay for her own damn meal & I just give her $4. Going upside her head. Leaving her at the restaurant for her mammy to pick her up. Or not paying for any of her food so she could wash dishes. I simply laughed it off with a big sucker sticker on my forehead. Yeah the slickster – like mother like daughter – got me. But I guarantee you that bottom barrel future parolee won’t get me again. I paid & we rolled out but next time, when the kids get to go somewhere real gooood – like Clyde’s or Timbuktu – guess where Fat Betty will be. You guessed it. Home with her fake wanna be Rasta – Far-Eye-Heeey mammy!!!
I would tell yall how BBQ King tried me too but some things should remain between a man and a woman. Plus I gotta go take Testy T some of Bigmama’s homemade plum vitamin leaf juice and aloe leaf balm joint compound rubbing oil. It seems she shook a tail feather waaaaay too hard at the CIAA party last weekend in Charlotte. Now that heffa falling asleep in the bathroom & hopping to the bus stop! She know 30 and over don’t dance till dawn!
posted by Ms G @ 1:43 AM
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