Smiles & Sex - A Cautionary Tale

Good Afternoon Friends and Family. I know I’m running a little behind today but Ms G has been closeted for two days with folks who just need some damn help. I don’t know how many times I have told yall asses you cain’t bring everybody to your house. You can’t give erybody your number. But do you listen? NOOOOOOO!!!! Just because he/she seems normal at first glance, doesn’t mean that MFR ain’t crazy as hell!!

It’s like BK Miller letting Nickel back in the crib. She already tried to kill you at least four times with the baby oil in the shower-not to mention the black eye. Nigga broke all the shower curtain rings tryna to keep from falling. Shin all busted up. But he says “The sex was the bomb!” So you know the rest.

First of all, just because the sex is good doesn’t mean the person is good. Some people are just lunatics. Secondly you can’t be nice to everybody. Ms Nicklelodeon was walking her lil happy ass down the street 6:00am this morning in PJ’s & a sweater (as cold as it was-she got milk in her honey). She stops & has a random conversation with a random clown in a random pickup truck. Now see if her lil ass turns up on CNN with Nancy Grace whooping & hollering about where she at it would serve her ass right. You know not to talk to strangers.

But family, I saved the best for last. Ms BBB has really done it this time. She met Mr. Reptile on a Saturday and he wanted her for dinner on a Sunday. Lordy Lordy, that girl let that man dip in her kool-aid and now he can’t do without the flavor. She called me all in a panic the other night.

“Ms. G, he outside!” She hoarsely whispered.

“What? Who outside? Who the hell is this whispering?” I angrily replied.

“It’s me, BBB; Reptile is outside my window that’s why I’m whispering. What should I do?”

At this point I get out of the bed & head downstairs for a shot of Goose. My nerves! My nerves!!!! What the hell does she mean what should she do? See I told her ass bout being so damn friendly & letting everybody come visit. She gone learn, she gone learn. You can’t pass out the collard greens without somebody asking for hot sauce!! Umm umm umm!!

It turns out Mr. Reptile had come over & ate everything on her plate. All the ham hocks, all the melons, all the sweet potato pie, all the chocolate cake. Everything that was viewable was edible to him. Nasty mouth rascal!!! That right there should have told her he was special. But nope, you guessed it she further entertained swamp thang.

Hemingway – All this carrying on proved to be to much for Ms BBB – hey everybody got a limit – so she promptly closed the buffet albeit temporarily. Well honey that was not acceptable for Reptile!!!

That clown came over to her house & was all over her like a snake on a belly dance girl. She told him she had some things to do & would he just call her later. Now folks with some sense know that’s code for “I don’t want to be bothered”. Not this fool. He dialed her phone at least 25 times – house & cell – and left all kinds of messages (now see Ms G would have nipped that shit in the bud immediately). Forget being nice. The next thing she knows he’s outside her window in the dark calling out her name!!

“Did you tell your mom & dad he out there” I asked

“No I’m scared to move. He might hear me or see me. And I gotta pee so bad!!”

“He can’t see you in the dark honey. Crawl on the floor until you get to the hallway & scream for help.”

Of course she was too petrified to do this & just sat there –wetting the sheets I assumed. Fortunately for her Mrs. Seagrams was up washing dishes when she saw a shadow outside the kitchen window. She promptly screamed for Mr. Seagrams and any of yall who have met or heard of Mr. Seagrams knows that was all it took. Honey he busted out that back door with nothing but a Coca Cola bottle & his flip flops. Mr. Reptile won’t be peeping in nobody else’s window any time soon. Lord Jesus on the Cross!! The doctor says he should regain 90% of his eyesight & mobility though if he goes to therapy.

The point Ms G is trying to make people is don’t let everybody know where you rest at. Don’t show all ya teeth to every guy you meet –Betty Wright told me that a long time ago- everybody don’t deserve a smile. If she tried to kill you once, she’ll try it twice & thrice!!! “He seemed so nice” is not a good way to judge someone’s character. Knee Grows is crazy!!! If a stranger approaches you sometimes you just got to run it out despite what that crazy ass song says about ‘walking it out’.

Hemingway- I have to go now. Flava Flav been calling me wanting to know why peoples is mad at him bout his show. Lord Ms G gots to counsel the whole world, sometimes it’s just too much.


p.s. Would you parents please talk to your bad ass kids about messing up other peoples yards? I’m getting tired of coming home seeing my bricks all outside my flowers. When I catch they bad asses don’t get mad coming to my house hollering bout “I didn’t have to do June Bug like that. He loveded erybody”. June Bug & Ray Ray better stay they asses out my damn yard!!!!