Voodacious Torment

Obviously someone has resurrected the voodoo version of me to stick, torment, agitate and piss off. I was already in a mood of complete and utter disbelief about the brutal murderous attack on a neighborhood fixture, Miz James - Honey, from down home – he was killed by his boyfriend – which was most upsetting! I grew up with him advising on how to keep your womanhood looking good whenever he passed through that most estimable of establishments that is my Uncle Jeri Curls’ pride and joy - The Store. Learning of his passing already had me in an emotional state.

Then while I was perusing the news sites – a daily ritual during my 2 ½ hour lunch breaks – I came across the story of that Thurbert E Baker –who in the grits & gravy hell would name they chile ‘Thurbert’? Could it be his mama was aiming for Thurgood but realized he would never live up to the name after he popped his big head into the world? Hemingway- This clown immediately filed an appeal to the overturning of Genarlow Wilson’s conviction which means the boy stays in jail. Now I’m no advocate of teen sex but if your 15 year old daughter decides to go to a party, smoke weed, drink and give an 18 year old a blow job –consensual sex – while it’s being videotaped; then as a father you should’ve been headed to jail instead of the state prosecutor for beating the shit out her lil fast ass!

As for the young man, he should be a shining example – along with Kobe – of what not keeping your man stick in your pants will get you & cost you! Instead of going to college on a scholarship & a promising future, his dumb ass is stuck in the pokey all because he couldn’t resist poking somebody’s daughter. However this in no way excuses Baker’s cruelty in his zealous persistence to keep a brother locked up. As an Omega man – “Making a Difference in the Lives of Black People….Everything rises and falls on Leadership” – his ass should know better.

Needless to say, yall know I was in the first paragraph of a protest letter when I received another most disturbing email from my sometimes disillusioned friend Whitley. It seems that Lavar Arrington nappy neck scratch a coochie sideburns ass is opening a new “upscale” sports bar at The Blvd at the Cap Center – PG County’s fist. MESSAGE – Anytime a new black business got to put “upscale” in their advertisement you know that shit “gone be ghetto as hell”! This is code language for new money knee-grows to alert all their friends from the hood to invest in some new shoes & fresh creased linen. Any who an open recruitment flyer was released to the public for staff spots. Now whosonever wrote this hot fried egg on a dirty project sidewalk mess should have known better!!!

“Washington’s own LaVar Arrington is opening The Sideline, Prince George’s County’s first upscale sports bar.
We're seeking to hire the areas most beautiful and talented female waitresses, hostesses and bartenders. If you’re over 21, physically fit, attractive and outgoing with lots of personality then The Sideline is looking for you! Restaurant experience is not required, but it is a plus. The Sideline uniform will consist of a shortsleeve, cheerleader style crop top, matching fitted pants and white, low-top athletic sneakers.”

Now what in the FOOLWANG hell was going through his mind & his camps when they came up with this bullshit!!! Physically fit? Attractive? Crop Tops? Restaurant experience not necessary? This NIGRA has puffed one circle of smoke too many in the crack cave!!! This is OBVIOUS discrimination against Curve enhanced sistas!! As a true voluptuous Curvee myself, I AM OUTRAGED!!!! He know damn well WE don’t walk around in ‘crop tops’ and ‘fitted pants’. There’s no need – we got enough to fill out our bongo jeans and Lane Bryant décolletage shirts. Crop tops my ass!!! I know he ain’t tryna say we wouldn’t be appealing to the eye?

Just the other Saturday I damn near gave a man a heart attack in the Home Depot parking lot with my more bounce to the ounce curves sporting black & white fitting 100% super pima cotton knee pants & low cut soft cotton ‘in my white tee’ top. He was hollering out for the “Lord to ham mercy & o’ baby don’t kill ‘em with it” at the top of his lungs. Granted he was limping with a prosthetic leg topped off with the triple stacked wooden shoe heel (TRUE STORY I SWEAR) and more than likely a patron of the Chateau or the Blue Diamond but the point remains the same.

Hemingway – I am putting my Keep Paris In, Save Darfur and Free Genarlow campaigns on hold to focus on protesting Lavar’s “upscale” sports bar!! After all this type of thing is far mar important in the grand scheme of things. Big girls are the saviors of the world. If it wasn’t for these child bearing hips, how would the universe survive!?!?

Refreshments

Hey Folk!! I know you have been waiting on tenterhooks for the upcoming installments of my weekend in the country & the scoop on BBQ Kings family. However due to my financial dependency on such said person (I like the way that sounds) I will not disclose his family potential for Crack Head Hall of Fame Antics. Never fear though, the Knee-Grows at work are just as funny.

These NIGRAS have finally crossed the line!! You know how something starts out small and snowballs into some big shit? Well I got the NIGRAS for you! It all started with Hair Asia getting a new job. You know how it is when one of us gets a new Massa, the plantation always look greener from the other side. Hemingway – Hair Asia is going to a new plantation so we decided to celebrate. Emails started flying, plans started being put together and it was bout to be on and popping.

Well Tokyo the Green Eyed Bandit decided to take the celebration a step further. This NIGRA brought in a blender, a variety of Bacardi frozen mixers & posted a B.Y.O.L. sign in front of his cube. Now people yall know damn well……..umm umm umm I can’t even finish my thought. When this got out, Sista Rasta – our own resident professional pipe technician (ask Peanut what that is), volunteered to hook up the music, some more mix & something from the trunk of her car (NOW YOU KNOW). Needless to say, word of mouth hit the workplace grapevine & before long that NIGRA had a line round the corner for that Jesus Juice!! You would have sworn RE or Chuck was performing in that Biach!

Now I contemplated going to his cube & having a few virgin-refreshments cups. I mean really its extra hot today & frozen toddy would be nice. But between the snitches & paw prints all around the blender it was just too much for me. I had to immediately separate myself from such foolwangary. I mean this NIGRA had a full bar set up!! Nigra had fresh strawberries. Ginger Ale chaser, limes & lemons. Cups. Two blender containers so as not to run out. See this is why black folk cannot be left alone in the workplace.

Now you would think his green eyed ass would have learned from the last time we had to have a company wide meeting cause of some mess he started. But NO, not Tokyo!! He grinning from ear to ear with his tongue ring spinning & a combo of house & reggae music blaring from his computer speakers. Now I know this is NOT what such quality company IT equipment was purchased for.

But that’s not the killer. You know whenever there’s beverages there always is a cutting stabbing, shooting or somebody bending over doing the Bobby Brown My Prerogative circular hip motion. Enter Queen Hoola Hoop!! She started bouncing & gyrating and winding like crazy – mind you she ain’t even a REAL employee & gone get fired before she even get a name badge. Well of course Chocolate Fantasy couldn’t be outdone so she immediately pulled up her skirt & stuck out her tongue. Her buddy, Ms Mt Caramel of the Holy Saints A.M.E. Church of God In Christ had to break out the Holy Water to calm that heffa down. The whole while Tokyo steady bobbing his head & pressing the crush button on that blender!!!

Now you know Ms G was not going to be a party to this foolishment. I simply filled my Big Gulp cup to the rim. Watched the show a little bit JUST in case I can get a promotion out of this from YT (Forget what Cameron say – I’ll tell in a minute), and I rolled out. However once I reached my desk I figured I’d better go back just to make sure the frozen refreshments were properly disposed of. If yall call my work number next week & it goes to the receptionist YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!



BECAUSE IT MUST NEVER COME TO THIS!
It wasn't me massa it was de field Negro.