NIGRAOSITY

There is nothing like a Tyler Perry movie to start a week of great Nigraosity moments. This week is no exception my friends. Friday I figured I would take an extended lunch (longer than the usual extension) and pop into Potomac Yards to catch the 11:50am showing of The Family that Preys. I usually don’t do black implosion (LOOK IT UP) films on their first week out but I figured what the heck. It’s Friday. You ain’t got nothing to do. Surely the sanctified ghetto gospel warrior hand clapping screen shouters won’t be out this early. Right? So wrong! PURE NIGRAOSITY

I should have known when I pulled into the parking space and the couple next to me exiting a super soup Chevy PT Cruiser with the chrome package deluxe kept exchanging a litany of “this gone be good” that I was in for a NBC (national black caricature) primetime special. I refuse to even comment on the mans outfit of cleaners pressed funeral program worthy knee-ankle jeans with a fresh white tee a-la platinum chain (falling out at your desk laughing is appropriate now) with wifey in her Ashley Stewarts finest ensemble -4 sizes too small- I got to look my best since we “going out Virginia” . I simply refuse folks. Ten minutes after I take my seat I realized my grave miscalculation of the Nigra population when about 10 to 12 people trailed in complaining cause the movie had already started. Umm 11:50 wasn’t posted by the theater as a start time suggestion people. Needless to say I will have to see the movie again when it comes out on DVD. Because with all the clapping, “No she didn’t”, “hit that ho” talking back to the screen I couldn’t possibly began to hear what the movie was ACTUALLY about. PURE NIGRAOSITY

Hoping this was not an indicator of what my weekend would be like, I made plans to take the chillens to Hoops for the Homeless on Saturday. Unfortunately Nigras hate to disappoint. Between all them bad @ss chilrens and the women, who looked older than my grandmamma, dressed in stiletto boots and 9 inch platforms my soul was severely wounded (I simply REFUSE to discuss the appearance of YTs in their usual state of YT confusion, recycled jeans and Birkenstock footwear). First off the steps in the Verizon center are tricky. One false left and you going down! And why is it that some of us will put on Ho Stroll clothing at an event that CLEARLY is about the kids? WHY BIACH WHY? Note to my sisters. When every dimple, nook and cellulite cranny you have can be viewed through a pair of ‘denim’ jeans, it is time to let that $hit go! If your belly – all 3 OF THEM- hangs below your belt loops….you know what it’s no point in me even continuing this sentence cause them biaches old enough to know better. I shan’t and I shan’t. PURE NIGRAOSITY

Hemingway, by the time I left there – without getting a hug from Gilbert Arenas I might add – and made it to the Tree of Life birthday party at Ms. Ankle Britches (Ankles on Swole I should say, with her extra pregnant can I marry my baby daddy ass) house, I was done for. I simply sat. Ate. Drank 3 orange flavor check sodas (nothing like a ghetto orange soda) and it was a wrap! I couldn’t WAIT to get home and see my BBQ King so he could put a smile on my face. PURE NIGRAOSITY

My baby was waiting for me at the door with a big smile! If I hadn’t been so caught up in the gleam, my internal warning bells would have went off that this Nigra was WAY too happy to see me!! I should have known something was up from that fake @ss Uncle Ben smile. Lo and Behold this SUPA NIGRA went and accepted a catering job for 65 people for some turkey, lasagna, wings, collard greens, yams, mac & cheese, string beans, yellow rice etc. and said he was only charging $600 for it and said he would do the meat I just needed to do the other stuff. I told that needle point nigra he would be a yam shaving green picking field hand all night before I cooked all that $hit for $600. That nigra played Keith Sweat all night but he still got the same answer when the sun rose!!! Pure Nigraosity!!

500 Miles to Hungry Amusement

I heard your call and now I’m back. Family I know you have been worried & appreciate all the cards, flowers, donations and other items that have been so CONSPICUOUSLY absent from the other bull$hit you’ve sent me. Hemingway. The truth is after the death of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, fainting at the Democratic National Convention ‘cause Michelle Obama had stolen my dress and imported a Haitian tailor by way of the Bahamas to size it just perfect for her, and the piece de resistance that damn email of some black people (not sure where but I put my money on Atlanta) dressed up like some knights of the round table looking a hot @ss sanctified mess – including the chilrens having a “ROYAL” wedding complete with crest flags, yellow & purple head ropes & knee britches ! People it just sent me over the edge! Fortunately BBQ King came to my rescue with the suggestion of a quick getaway – at least I thought. I was thinking Bahamas, Tahiti, and Cayman something along those lines. That Nigra was thinking more like Columbus, Ohio to visit some friends.

So we load up the car – including the kids – which was a killer already cause you know all we heard was “WHERE are we? I’m tired! I want Mc Donald’s!” blah blah blah. Fortunately after 7 hours of scenic, watch for falling rock, deer & bear signs we made it to our destination. Luckily the outside of the hotel looked like the pictures on the internet or else I would have blown that biach up, as tired and hungry as I was. As soon as we got settled, BBQ Kings best friend Mister called. Said he was on his way to take us to his house. I thought cool. I remembered when I visited them when they lived in the crescent city, his wife could lay down on the stove and burn (if you ain’t from south of Richmond – you know nothing about this). .

Well I get all excited, worked up etc waiting for Mister. We follow him home and as I get out the car, the sudden emptiness or void of aroma in the air strikes me as strange. But I brush it off and rush my hongray black @ss to the door. Upon entering the established resident of said such persons (I have to break it down like the Po Po because what occurred up in that biach was indeed a crime) I discovered said suspect ain’t have not nary a cornbread or meat on the table. Chick was looking at me like whatever. She then proceeded to announce that she had made some hot dogs with all the fixings including chili & we should “feel free to help ourselves”. Chick just doesn’t know how close she came to a fatal beat down!!!

After driving damn near 500 hunneredth mileses with screaming chillens, grumpy teenagers and a sleeping map reader, did she really think I was in the mood for some DAMN HOTDOGS!!! Hell I could’ve stayed at home and cooked that my damn self. I was so mad I was ready to go back home that same night. But yall knows I’m a Christian and I know Rev Cut A Nigra Nuts Off would have been upset with me if I hadn’t given it another try. So we made plans to meet early the next morning.

The Devil is a Liar if this Nigra didn’t come to the hotel at 9am with some tickets to a broke down second cousin of Kings Dominion, than I ain’t sexy!!! First off Ms G. does not typically partake of ‘amusement’ parks in the summer. There is nothing amusing about pushing through crowds in 90 plus degree heat with bad @ss crying screaming yelling children all around you and sweating pink YT people. Secondly the fact that we had to transport nearly 2 hours away to arrive at said such amusement burning up my gas – umm I’m too Christian to finish the sentence on that one. THEN the straw that knocked the camel down, choked out his hump and KILT him dead we had to reimburse this Nigra for some tickets for somewhere I didn’t wanna go in the first place!

Family, right now my nerves are still way too bad to tell you bout the actual park experience itself. Lest just say after whipping three lil YT chilren for stepping on my feet, getting caught pulling my own sodas & chips out, ‘cause you know they don’t allow you to bring nothing in, and being so hot and tired that I was willing to make a deal with the devil to rest in his house. The $hit was just way too much.

At the end Mister tried to redeem himself by offering to take us to dinner after the park. Again, me being the Christian that I am put aside my anger and agreed to dinner. After all it was on his dollar, not my dime. I figured the day could be salvaged. That is until we pulled up in the parking lot of Golden Corral. If JESUS was to ever get down of the cross, throw his hands up and give up the ghost, this nigra $hit right here would have made him do it. TWICE!!!.