Missing In Action

Hi Family!!! Honey Ms. G has gotten letters from all over the country, wanting to know where I am and who I'm with. Well I am in the land of cotton. I'm on VACATION!!! Vacation means I'm resting. I came home for Thanksgiving to see Mama and Bigmama and to eat some down home southern cooking.

The truth of the matter is, I have eaten so many collard greens, yams, chittlins- yes Ms G ain't too cute to eat chittlins - dressing, turkey, cuban sandwiches, goat dinners, cakes and pies that I was all SWOLE up for 3 days and couldn't move my damn fingers. Lord Ham Mercy it's a sin to eat so much. But I had to get mine before erybody else got theirs. Mama had so many knee-grows over it didn't make no damn sense.

I saw cousins I ain't seent in years!! Aunt Ruthie still kicking at 86 with her gheri curl - yes GHERI curl. Aunt Kool-Aid got one too. Con Esther (con=cousin for yall that don't know) was looking like dee-lee-yuck mama on speed. She know damn well don't nobody spray they head up that high no more. I wanna kidnap her ass & yank that bird's nest out. Con Leroy got two more golds in his mouth & he so happy to finally spell out his baby mama name cross his grill. Ain't that love yall?

Ms G loves her family but child I had to beat two stray cousin ass. It's always some folk gotta show up & act like niggas. Now I had already fixed this 4th related biach and her friend nice big healthy plates so they should have been satisfied. Right? WRONG!!! As soon as I left the kitchen dem hoettes grabbed foil, extra plates & grocery bags & started packing up. But see Cuzo Pookie always on his job. That nigga dialed my cell to get me an undercover message. He was all the way at Aunt Boosie house & heard about them packing up in Mama kitchen.

By the time I slid my overstuffed ass out the chair & rolled from under the table, they asses was already in the drive way. I yelled out to them "Where yall going with all them bags" and them chicks broke out like Carl Lewis chasing a new fade haircut. They were no match for me though. I grabbed Con Double Teeth by her horse hair & yanked that cow to the ground. She hit that concrete like Whitney used to hit that pipe. That biach held on to those plates though. Didn't drop a collard leaf. I sat right on her stomach & put my knees on her neck till she dropped the bag. I passed it to Lil G & proceeded to go after her friend who proved a bit more difficult. That chick jumped over Granny Eddie Jean's(neighbor) chicken coop like Smoky on Friday. I had feathers stuck in my hair for days!!

Hemingway....I'll be back in the chocolate city in a few. Still got some cotton stalks to clean. Just Kidding!!

Donations

Folks, Ms G is starting a collection campaign for my own traveling fund. It seems I need to travel the country and slap some sense into people’s heads – starting with that damn O.J. Simpson. That super size head fool just will not leave well enough alone. I called his dumb ass last night too, so I could tell him about himself.

“O.J., What the hell are you doing writing a book ‘If I Did It?” I asked

“Oh hey Ms G. How you doing? I’m just tryna make a few dollars since selling meth didn’t pan out for me. You know I gotta keep my name out there. I’m doing an interview on Fox news as well. You wanna fly out & join me in the studio?”

Now at this point I know this nigga can’t be that damn dumb to think I would associate myself with this type of foolishness. I mean how you gone write a book detailing how the murders would have gone if “you” committed it? I heard a lot of rattling & carrying on in the background so I assume that nigga still smoking crack. DUMB! Just plain dumb!

“Now Orenthal James ain’t got a lick of sense Simpson, you know DAMN well you ain’t got no business antagonizing folks, particularly YT, over this murder business. Nigga have you lost your mind?”

“Nope. Hey I gotta continue to get money so I can get me some more blond YT girls & take care of them and their families. Plus Sydney & Justin got expenses & habits and you know Ron Goldman daddy still after me.”

“SAY WHAT? Well suit yourself ‘cause you know Nancy Grace is coming after your black ass. I can see her getting her nasal passages tweaked now. Just know that you are making it a hard road to travel for the rest of the brothas who ain’t got enuff money to buy their way out of trouble. YT is going to be on erybody like rappers on platinum just ‘cause you free and rubbing it in their faces. They liable to start lynching again! But I know you can’t relate ‘cause you ain’t been black since you won the trial. Bye O.J. I’m going to add you to my prayer list.”

I didn’t even bother to ask him for my O.J. prize for “we won, we won” since he claims to be broke. I’m just going to have to ask Bigmama to send one of her missionary traveling sisters down to O.J. house to beat him in the head with some bibles.

After my conversation with O.J., I decided to make a list of celebrities who will benefit from my advice. I mean there are plenty of us running around acting like fools!!

Star Jones – Eat Biach Eat!! With your extra hongry ass!!!

Shar Jackson – Ho, get a life!! You making the rest of us baby mamas look bad. K-Fed does not want your ass & Britney is not gone buy your kids stuff no more!!

Vivica Fox – Girl stop playing & take that Saran Wrap off your face
LisaRaye – Honeymoon is over. Stop wearing all that damn white.

Karrine Steffans – Call Maury at 1-800-DNA-HELP so we can know who your baby daddy is. Bobby ain’t claiming it ‘cause he say he already got enough child support he cain’t pay.

Al Sharpton – Ooooh Rev Ike III, who is messing up your perm these days. Saw you on TV the other night & the curls were looking a RuPaul hot mess!

Pattie Labelle – I love you Aunt Pattie but please keep the drag queens off your hair & make up team. You are not family!

Brandy – You know better than taking your fake unwed mother lying ass up to that black church with dem YT scientoly peoples. You know Bishop Jakes ‘nem don’t play that!

Aretha Franklin – ReRe, please call Kirsty Allie

President Bush – Put a lil hot sauce on that humble pie, it’ll taste better.

Whitney Houston – FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I’M FREE AT LAST!


P.S. Ms G sends her prayers out to the families of Ed Bradley & Gerald Levert.

House Breaking Party

Happy Monday Folks!!! Please excuse me if I randomly veer off into Neverland today because I’m still in hung over mode from all the man-stick slinging & jello shots this weekend. As some of you know an old acquaintance of mine, Le Short Stop, threw a house breaking event this weekend. Yes I say house breaking because what occurred should not ever under any reasonable circumstances be categorized by sane people as a house warming!!!

A couple of weeks ago I received an evite from Le Short Stop to come out & celebrate her new abode. It promised food, drinks & entertainment – all at a price. A price? Now you know I immediately got to cussing!!! How in the hell you gone ask me to come eat greasy chicken, chunky mac& cheese, and get stank ding ding slung up in my nostrils plus pay you $20 for it? Negress please!!! Nevertheless, I called Testy T & we made it our business to attend.

On night of said event I got all freshed out & shined up. Put some oil sheen on my ankles and Crisco on my elbows. I scooped up Testy T & we headed out to Forestville, MD. Now I don’t mean no harm but yall MFR’s in Forestville need to call or write – naw fuck that – yall need to camp out in front of some elected officials office. When did Forestville become such a ghetto? I was afeared (is that a word?) for my life. While Testy frantically read the Map Quest directions, I strained my 20/30 vision looking for the damn street signs as there were NO lights on the streets, it was quite difficult driving. I hit a curve on Hill-Mar circle so hard I got whiplash. Side note- don’t use Map Quest when you got to go somewhere in the hood. Dem MFR’s ain’t go verify nary a piece of information they just said “its black people, they don’t know the difference between north & south anyway.”

We finally located the development & house number. Honey I almost turned around when I saw a discarded mattress, bey bey old stereo cabinet, broken toys & some other shit strewn around a corner house.

“Somebody obviously was recently evicted. Do you think we’re safe Ms G?” questioned Testy T with a fearful look in her eye and elevated voice pitch. “You got your blade?”

At that moment Mama Kibbles pops out the doorway hollering about where to park. Lord you know it’s something when ya mama ghetto. I park & lock up my shit like Fort Knox – hell I’ma needs a reliable way outta this joint. We enter Le Short’s palace & I see why that biach didn’t ask for no gifts. Her place is laid like that!! Gleaming hardwood floors. Sleek sophisticated modern furniture & lighting. Just plain old nice. Now why would you want to “break it in” with funky ding ding is beyond me.

After the requisite hugs & kisses and “how mama nem” questions, I grab a jello shot and drink making my way to the basement. Lord I wish somebody would tell these Chinese shopkeepers to stop selling this bad weave to our people!! We need a damn national movement. Upon stepping into the room Testy T and I immediately exchange nervous glances. There is nappy weave, too tight on my belly jeans, an ex-crack head –and if she wasn’t one she should’ve been- and a super plus size mother and daughter team. Now I don’t know bout yall mammies, but I know damn well mine ain’t coming to watch no man-stick slanging with me!! Umm umm umm these are truly the last days.

Hemingway – Of course the ghetto dancers from Baltimore are late. It seems that the ladies present normally use the DC Bad Boys (they’re even planning to have them at a baby shower – I KNOW, I KNOW close your mouth) but decided to give B-More a try. Le Shorts’ BFF, Monique-without the eyelashes- takes this opportunity to collect money from those who haven’t paid up. I slickly slide her a folded twenty & tell her that covers me & Testy T. This biach was NOT getting more than $10 apiece from us. It’s about what we would have spent on a gift anyway.

While we’re waiting on Mr. B-More Body, our ho-ette – oops – I mean hostess announces a surprise. She pumps up the music and down the stairs comes the finest piece of Mandingo chocolate Ms G has seen in a long time. Honey that boy had on half an outfit – I can’t even explain- some chains wrapped around & a weapon touching his stomach. I immediately started screaming!!! It had to be a fake. I forgot about being mad for having to pay and all that there!!! I was sweating like Aunt Shirley on her second menopause! Hip-no, Hypnotic, Hypnotize, whatever his name is was like that!!! Although I had planned to only throw ONE dollar bill to each dancer, I immediately pulled out five for this brother. But what impressed Ms G the most was this boy could pick me up!!! Yes honey he picked up all 215 lbs of Ms G with his buck nakededed self!!! Thank God I had my hand sanitizer.

After my oxygen treatment the next dancer came down. Now this fool, BMore Body (names have been changed to avoid liable lawsuits) came down lip syncing like he was K-Fed (pre Brittney dumping his no-talent ass) and too cute to boot. He was singing & carrying on & at one point lay on the floor strangely squeezing his chest area with his eyes clothes & tongue lolling out the side of his mouth – needless to say he only had $2 on the floor. Testy & I were rolling at him having a moment. He obviously heard us cause he zipped those jeans down the side (I’m sure you can find your man a pair at Dancers-R-Us) and pulled out his money maker. Shut my mouth. That fool grabbed Testy T & slung her around like she was Lamb Chop the puppet. He was banging & twirling & flipping. When he finally set her back down that hair was all over her damn head!! She quickly got rid of that “no I’m alright, don’t touch me, I’m too sexy for my shirt” face.

There was a break in action & I was tired and ready to get home to Mr. King. Everyone insisted we wait & well I’m glad we did. The last dancer was The Total All That and that Super Hero Negro earned every last bit of dem dollars!!! It should be against the law for a man-stick slinger to be so sexy. To look at you like you the only woman in the world. To sing in your ear like you were gonna be his girl for life. I’m not even going to mention his “package”. Let’s just say I briefly considered being a Ho-Ette if only for one night.

Testy T & I departed the party in a festive mood. Glad that we had put our apprehensions aside & ventured into the night. Our euphoria was short lived as we traveled down Pennsylvania Ave towards Silver Hill Road and crossed paths with about 15 teen hoodlums in the street. One of them had the nerve to reach towards Ms G’s Benzo (that’s the Corollas nickname). Honey I floored it. I was going to drag his ass all the way to Forestville Mall if he had got a hold of my car door. Next time I will be better prepared for a hood party with my self designed Hood Gear & necessaries. Coming to a boutique near you soon!

Voting Day

Ms. G wants to send a big THANK YOU to Lady Carabana and her coworkers, Ms. Peabody, Sunflower & Inspector Gidget. If not for your kindness & financial assistance, Bar-B-Q-King could have never posted my bail. Who knew it was a federal offense to attack a voting ballot machine?

Looking back I prolly shoulda skipped this years election – with the stress from work drama, the fighting all that stuff. But I felt it was my duty to vote. People were lynched, dragged, burned, beaten and dehumanized in order for us to have this privilege. How could I not? Besides I wanted my little sticker.

When I arrived at the polling station I was in a cheerful mood despite my situation. I was going to make a difference. I was going to vote against those who knew Foley was trying to fellate the young fellows. Couldn’t wait to punch the buttons against those who took Abramhoff’s money and didn’t give Ms. G none. And the friends of Tom Delay, ooooooh were they gonna get it.

Sitting at the sign in desk was somebody’s grandmamma with blue hair & an orange sweat suit. I should’ve taken this as a warning sign but my observation was off. She couldn’t seem to find my name or voting card. I politely informed her I was Ms G & everyone knows who I am. She politely informed me she didn’t care if I was “Ms P & everybody poked you. I can’t find your name.” My first instinct was to slap all the blue out her head but I let it ride. She finally found me & I went over to the machine to cast my all important vote.

I was going down the line fine until I got to Steele & Cardin. I figured I would cross party lines & give Steele a vote. I mean Cardin was in Congress all this time partying & carrying on with the other criminals. Well each time I selected Steele’s name, the screen showed Cardin. I kept choosing & choosing & it didn’t work. I wanted Steele. I mean if this man could survive Mike Tyson being his brother-n-law, surely he could survive the Hill. But the machine wasn’t having it.

The same thing happened when I got to the governor selection. Hell there was NO WAY in five hells I was voting for O’Malley! Have you seen Baltimore? The Wire only shows you the good points. Not to mention the guys you meet off Black Planet from there. They broke asses always show up at restaurants eat, then pretend they left their wallets at home. That’s cause ain’t no jobs in Baltimore.

Finally I was so frustrated I started shaking the machine. Then I took my fist & beat on the glass. I banged and banged and banged. That MFR machine still wouldn’t change my vote & then it started beeping. I was hitting that shit like it was my baby daddy late with child support on Christmas Eve. Old Lady Blue ran over to ask me if everything was ok and I told her to get ta stepping. By this point my temperature was boiling.

“I WANT TO VOTE REPUBLICAN!! I WANT TO VOTE REPUBLICAN!!!” I yelled in a manic psycho deranged voice.

Well I must have really scared old blue hair cause the next thing I know the Po Po’s are whacking me on the back of the neck-the fat meat part too- & dragging me out the door. This quickly brought me to my senses. Why was I trying to vote Republican anyway? Haven’t they been the chief crooks the last six years? I begged the police to let me go but you know how PG County roll!!! They asked for money & since I was broke, they kept me there till the Feds showed up. I was tempted to run but them Niggas done shot 7 people in the last two months. I wasn’t taking any chances.

Wednesday morning as I was leaving the federal courthouse downtown I ran into an associate of mine Old Rumi. He was shocked & dismayed when I told him what happened at the polls. He couldn’t believe the machine would dare to defy me or that I was arrested.

“A person with your convictions deserves better than this Ms G. You always stick to your guns. Tell you what; I’m over at the Pentagon running a little war. Why don’t you come work for me?”

“Oh Great!!! Thanks Rumi” I happily reply. I give him a hug & go home to put on my good clothes. A job at the Pentagon!!! Whoa!! All those fine ass men in uniform with all that testosterone just waiting to shoot up something. Ummm ummm ummm!!!

I arrive at the Pentagon in a fresh suit ready to work. Got my pictures & ere thing. As I’m unpacking & getting my self situated I see Old Rumi walking past looking mad as hell. I call out to him and ask him what’s wrong.

“That non-speaking can’t read cowboy boot wearing don’t care bout black folks drunk pretzel choking ass Bush done fired me!!!!”

“What? Damn I’m glad you hired me before you got the ax.”

I spoke to soon. Right behind Rumi came not one but four Pentagon police & three Army sergeants to put my ass out of there. They packed up my little pictures for me. I didn’t even get a chance to make any personal long distance calls or give my family members my 1-800 number!!

“We heard bout you Ms G. Don’t try that shit you pulled at the polls with us cause we ain’t PG County. We soldiers fresh off a stint at Abu Ghraib who won’t hesitate to put a collar on your neck & attach a leash while whipping you with a leather strap!” one of the soldiers announced while giving me the evil eye.”

Like he was saying something. Hell Bar-B-Q-King do that ery Friday like clockwork. But I let it ride. I’m working on my anger management. I’m not giving up on politics though, so keep your eyes open for Ms G on CNN, FOX, NBC and/or COPS one of these days.

Job Search

If anyone knows of a job opening or a company hiring please let me Ms G know. Unfortunate events led to an altercation at my work place; therefore I must find other means to make a living. I really tried not to beat this dirty tooth biach ass but she just wouldn’t leave well enough ALONE!!!

About a year ago my company was sending me to Baltimore for a conference and even though it is only a skip & half a hop from my own abode, I was NOT going on my own dime. I followed the rules, submitted my money request and asked them for a check. Simple right? WRONG!! Because we got so many simple, non understanding Hoettes up in here, they cain’t get nothing right. Them simple MFR’s put the money in my off shore account – yes Ms G got some extracurricular activities going on but that’s another blog.

Fast forward to this year. The queen of accounting Ms Dirty Tooth sends her lil minion, Big Head on stilts, down here to ask me about the receipts for the money. I politely inform her that I didn’t get a check because I didn’t have to go. She shakes her head and replies:

“Yes, yes. You is go to bank Ms G & take money ‘cause we is put it there.”

I give her the ‘biach please look’ and put my hand up to halt all this nonsense that I can’t understand any damn way!!

“I didn’t get any damn check. Where did the check go?”

Of course Ms Tai Pan (aka Big Head) looks real perplexed & tells me she will have to get back to me. She comes back two weeks later with a transmit ledger showing the money going to my off shore account. I tell her I have to verify the deposit & I will pay after that. Well this obviously doesn’t sit well with Ms Dirty Tooth. She emails me saying –copies my boss mind you - she needs something showing I spent the money on business or I need to right Dumb Ass Company a check.

Now this biach tried me like I got a food stamp card. So I told that Ho I wasn’t go pay nothing till they pay me my payroll paycheck. Yeah I know it’s petty but I had to show her Ms G don’t play that shit. Well I guess I didn’t pay fast enough because she sends an email again & copies my boss, his boss & her boss. That petty short brown tooth burnt yellow skin stank breath uneven bob cut cheese face biach!!! You wait.

At this point I told Ms Ankle Britches to take a check upstairs to Brownie & bring me a receipt. She comes back telling me Brownie say she doesn’t give receipts, “This ain’t no store.” Ms BBB fell out of her chair laughing but I didn’t think this shit was funny. I marched to the elevator ready go to her floor & whip some ass. Well I’ll be damned if the elevator door didn’t open & she was standing there.

“Biach!!! Where is my MFR receipt?”

“When you get your check back that will be your receipt.” She replied while attempting to walk off.

I snatched her arm & spun her around with a ferocity that surprised everyone including my damn self.

“You brown tooth short leg long back sow! Don’t walk off when Ms. G is talking to you. You better respect this here!!”

“Whatever Ms G. You take the money. You pay. You always try get something for nothing.”

“First off nobody ain’t tell yall dumb asses to give me the money anyway. I told Ms Cain’t Hear to cancel the damn request. Secondly your last day is tomorrow anyway. It ain’t your money. What you trying to make a last stand? Well you bout to get a last ass whipping!!!”

I yoked that biach cross the back of her neck with the flat of my left hand. Honey, those teeth ain’t brown for nothing, cause they must hold some type of super power fluid. That broke neck short stop punched me dead in my eye! Ankle Britches screamed and BBB fell out laughing. All the commotion caused Tokyo the Green Eyed Bandit & BK Miller to dash from their offices to the main hall.

After I got over the initial shock I grabbed that heifer & proceeded to beat that ass like she stole 3 things. You know how your mama beat your behind when you used all the sugar for one pack of Kool-Aid? I grabbed her hair with my left hand & went to work with my right.

“Biach …..-*fist upside her ear*- don’t you ever -*fist in the eye & nose*- long as you MFR LIVE - * knee to stomach, elbow to her back*- cross me like that! Is you crazy? Didn’t I tell your ass -* slammed to the ground, jumping on top*- I was gone pay you when I got paid? -* choking & shaking her repeatedly*- Huh? Don’t you know I will -*banging her head against floor*- kill your stank breath ass?”

By this time my boss Mr. Man Jr. comes running down the hall screaming. “Ms G, Ms G please stop!!! Someone help” he yells. He tries to pull me off of her so I add a second knot to his head.

“Get off of me I ain’t stopping till I’m satisfied or tired, whichever comes first!”

Someone decides to call the police but they don’t come right away since they think it’s another misdial from Christopher Williams down stairs. Next thing you know I feel this stick hitting my head & someone asking what’s happening? It seems El Presidente got word of the commotion & came to see what was going on. I almost snatched that cane to show him what was going on but I caught myself just in time. Like Bigmama say it’s against the law to beat the elderly & disabled.

I hear sirens & decide I better make a clean break for it. I’m too tired to run down the back stairs so I just hop on the elevator instead. Ms BBB comes down with Tokyo & they hide me in the back of her mini-van. I wait at least 2 hours until I can get a train home. Now I have to figure out who I’m going to use for a reference. How I’m going to get my pictures, supplies not to mention my bootleg CD’s from the office. Oh well. But if yall know of someone hiring please let me know. I promise not to kick butt at your place of business. I wouldn’t do you like that.

Smiles & Sex - A Cautionary Tale

Good Afternoon Friends and Family. I know I’m running a little behind today but Ms G has been closeted for two days with folks who just need some damn help. I don’t know how many times I have told yall asses you cain’t bring everybody to your house. You can’t give erybody your number. But do you listen? NOOOOOOO!!!! Just because he/she seems normal at first glance, doesn’t mean that MFR ain’t crazy as hell!!

It’s like BK Miller letting Nickel back in the crib. She already tried to kill you at least four times with the baby oil in the shower-not to mention the black eye. Nigga broke all the shower curtain rings tryna to keep from falling. Shin all busted up. But he says “The sex was the bomb!” So you know the rest.

First of all, just because the sex is good doesn’t mean the person is good. Some people are just lunatics. Secondly you can’t be nice to everybody. Ms Nicklelodeon was walking her lil happy ass down the street 6:00am this morning in PJ’s & a sweater (as cold as it was-she got milk in her honey). She stops & has a random conversation with a random clown in a random pickup truck. Now see if her lil ass turns up on CNN with Nancy Grace whooping & hollering about where she at it would serve her ass right. You know not to talk to strangers.

But family, I saved the best for last. Ms BBB has really done it this time. She met Mr. Reptile on a Saturday and he wanted her for dinner on a Sunday. Lordy Lordy, that girl let that man dip in her kool-aid and now he can’t do without the flavor. She called me all in a panic the other night.

“Ms. G, he outside!” She hoarsely whispered.

“What? Who outside? Who the hell is this whispering?” I angrily replied.

“It’s me, BBB; Reptile is outside my window that’s why I’m whispering. What should I do?”

At this point I get out of the bed & head downstairs for a shot of Goose. My nerves! My nerves!!!! What the hell does she mean what should she do? See I told her ass bout being so damn friendly & letting everybody come visit. She gone learn, she gone learn. You can’t pass out the collard greens without somebody asking for hot sauce!! Umm umm umm!!

It turns out Mr. Reptile had come over & ate everything on her plate. All the ham hocks, all the melons, all the sweet potato pie, all the chocolate cake. Everything that was viewable was edible to him. Nasty mouth rascal!!! That right there should have told her he was special. But nope, you guessed it she further entertained swamp thang.

Hemingway – All this carrying on proved to be to much for Ms BBB – hey everybody got a limit – so she promptly closed the buffet albeit temporarily. Well honey that was not acceptable for Reptile!!!

That clown came over to her house & was all over her like a snake on a belly dance girl. She told him she had some things to do & would he just call her later. Now folks with some sense know that’s code for “I don’t want to be bothered”. Not this fool. He dialed her phone at least 25 times – house & cell – and left all kinds of messages (now see Ms G would have nipped that shit in the bud immediately). Forget being nice. The next thing she knows he’s outside her window in the dark calling out her name!!

“Did you tell your mom & dad he out there” I asked

“No I’m scared to move. He might hear me or see me. And I gotta pee so bad!!”

“He can’t see you in the dark honey. Crawl on the floor until you get to the hallway & scream for help.”

Of course she was too petrified to do this & just sat there –wetting the sheets I assumed. Fortunately for her Mrs. Seagrams was up washing dishes when she saw a shadow outside the kitchen window. She promptly screamed for Mr. Seagrams and any of yall who have met or heard of Mr. Seagrams knows that was all it took. Honey he busted out that back door with nothing but a Coca Cola bottle & his flip flops. Mr. Reptile won’t be peeping in nobody else’s window any time soon. Lord Jesus on the Cross!! The doctor says he should regain 90% of his eyesight & mobility though if he goes to therapy.

The point Ms G is trying to make people is don’t let everybody know where you rest at. Don’t show all ya teeth to every guy you meet –Betty Wright told me that a long time ago- everybody don’t deserve a smile. If she tried to kill you once, she’ll try it twice & thrice!!! “He seemed so nice” is not a good way to judge someone’s character. Knee Grows is crazy!!! If a stranger approaches you sometimes you just got to run it out despite what that crazy ass song says about ‘walking it out’.

Hemingway- I have to go now. Flava Flav been calling me wanting to know why peoples is mad at him bout his show. Lord Ms G gots to counsel the whole world, sometimes it’s just too much.


p.s. Would you parents please talk to your bad ass kids about messing up other peoples yards? I’m getting tired of coming home seeing my bricks all outside my flowers. When I catch they bad asses don’t get mad coming to my house hollering bout “I didn’t have to do June Bug like that. He loveded erybody”. June Bug & Ray Ray better stay they asses out my damn yard!!!!

Gas & IHOP

Hello family. I know you have missed me but Ms G has had a rough weekend. Monday was a much needed recuperation day. What happened you ask? Where should I begin my tale of woe? My downhill descent on the slippery slope started Thursday evening. All I wanted was a tank of gas & a $7 car wash. That’s usually how the world’s greatest catastrophes begin, with something simple.

Y’all know where the BP is on Ritchie road right? I went down there, filled my gas tank & bought the ultimate wash. As I’m pulling up to the carwash, Kimora Lee Simmons wannabe pulls off from the vacuum machine towards the wash as well. Now you know Ms G made it first. This high brow heifer pulls right up on my ass. I punch in my code & drive in the wash. She does the same & drives close to the wash entrance after me. Well you know those machines ain’t worth but $2 anyway & this causes a problem. The stop & go lights flash at the same time. Of course this pisses me off.

I try backing up but Kimora just sits there.
“Biach get your simple ass out of the way. Don’t you see me tryna to back up? If I have to get out this damn car……” I yell.

Needless to say, shiny lip x-wife of geriatric Russell gets her ass out of my way. Forget the picture; a look is worth a thousand words. I go into the store where I find El Amine & Cusa-Shareef behind the counter. There’s a kid with black lips buying blunts whom I want to tell that’s the last thing he needs cause I can smell his breath from where I’m standing. But Bigmama ain’t raise no fool. Some folks you can’t fuck with.

“The carwash is broken”

“Yes, it’s broken yes” El Amine states smiling & shaking his head.

“No, I mean it’s not working, broke, won’t wash”

“Yes, yes. Broken thank you” he replies with a bright skittles smile.

Seeing my frustration, Blunt lips turns to me & says –with a serious face- “Ya know they slow ma.” Then he turns to El Amine & shouts “That MFR shit is broke dammit! Yall need to fix it!”

I smile my thanks to Blunt Boy & he politely replies that it was “no problem shorty.” I tell Amine I want my money back. At the mention money Cusa-Shareef perks up & says no money back he will fix. I tell him I don’t have all damn night & I want my $7. He ignores me and proceeds to go out & bang on the buttons for the next 20 minutes. At this point I tell him give me my $7 or I’ma carry $7 worth of shit out the store. Honey that cousin of a Negro got that machine fixed with a smile in under 30 seconds.

I call Lady Carabana to tell her of my experience. For some reason she always likes to hear about Ms G going through trials & tribulations. She laughs until she cries & wets her pants. I don’t think the shit be that funny myself.

Hemingway – She decides she & Little Carabana will take me out for lunch. We figure we’d hit the new IHOP on Central Ave. After all it’s only been open a month so it can’t be ghettoized just yet. Right? WRONG!!!! Honey I don’t know who was worse, the customers or the workers.

The weaves were atrocious! The outfits downright Source Awards shameful and the service ….. well I am at a lost. We saw our waiter twice. When he took the order & brought the check. I thought Lil Carabana was gone choke to death from need of a refill. We sat behind Diana Ross after what was obviously release from a bad stint in rehab. That hookers weave was so broke down it was standing up. I mean just straight nappy. It didn’t move, shake, blow- nothing. When she moved, the weave moved.

Honey, Loqueashawn the crack-head replica was working in that joint with orange & black braids. I’m sure she changes them for each holiday theme. I can’t wait to go back & see her at Christmas. Tyrone the tooth killer was in there with his kids. Now that nigga know damn well zigzag teeth does not a fashion statement make. He thought he was cute too. Just kept smiling.

There was Miss Brenda of course guiding all the younger workers in what is proper & correct work etiquette. Telling them how to get customers straight, ‘cause everybody knows “you don’t try Miss Brenda, cause I’ll cuss they asses out.” I wish someone would have cussed her out before she left the house without a bra. I’m sure those saddlebags will get caught in the pancake machine one of these days.

Just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore out pop’s one of Lady Carabana’s skeletons. Lord Jesus on the Cross!!! Mr. Versace was in there working. Had a lil chef’s hat & all! Dreds down to his shoulders – I can only imagine what all dropped in our foods as I didn’t notice a hair net. Of course he tried to fake like he didn’t know us but Carabana called him out. Umm ummm maybe he was embarrassed. I thought he looked cute in the lil Pie chef hat. I wouldn’t take him home to Mama, but……? To top it off he didn’t even offer to pay for our food!!!!

After I finish this report to you all I shall write a letter to the corporate office of IHOP. Although from the looks of the little greasy white manager whose face clearly asked “Why did I get stuck in niggerville?” I’m sure they are aware of the state of this new establishment.