Holidays With Mama 'Nem

God bless their souls. Mama & Daddy Pistol (he always saying who & what he'll shoot) decided they wanted a White Christmas. Similar to the Beverly Hillbilies they loaded up the Cadilac and set off for Virginia and Maryland. Their first stop? You guessed it - Ms G's house. Now don't get me wrong, I was happy to see them pull up. I missed them. Plus Daddy Pistol could finally put down my new kitchen tile. Honey they jumped out the car shivering & shaking but was ready to go to work. We immediately hit Lowes and loaded my truck with supplies.

LORD JESUS ON THE CROSS!!! I don't see how those two lovebirds stay in the same house. Let alone accomplish anything. Daddy Pistol is so bossy and Mama just does what she pleases whether or not it makes sense. They was fussing & carrying on the whole time. I wanted them to hush & finish my floor. Then they had to stop & take breaks for pain medicine. Yes they are handicapped but still, I expected them to work a little faster. After all I was providing food & shelter in exchange. Ms G ain't gone use nobody.

At one point Daddy Pistol got stuck on the floor and couldn't reach his cane. Mama grabbed him from behind just under his shoulders. Then she slid her arms down to his back. Honey that poor man was bout to pass out from the pain. Of course she was oblivous to this and kept jerking on him in attempt to lift him up. All the while asking "Can you get up? Daddy Pistol does this hurt?" Finally, Lil G, after looking at Daddy Pistols purple face (yeah he wanna dem high yellow Knee Grows.) grabs Mama by the weave.

"Grandma let Daddy Pistol go. He cain't breathe! HE CAIN'T BREATHE!!"

"Oh, well he didn't say nothing. How was I supposed to know?" replied Mama with a perplexed look on her face. At this point Ms G was tempted to point out the obvious. But after looking at the woman who reared me thirty something years with a hammer always close by, I decided against it.

We finally (hey I made the sandwiches - don't that count) got the floor down nice & pretty. Bar-B-Q King & I decided we would accompany Mama 'Nem to the mountains. Lord what a mistake!! Yall know Ms G is used to luxury and five star hotels. Well Mama & Daddy Pistol decided they wanted to rough it - must be the YT in his blood & the country is hers. They had us in the middle of the woods in a damn cabin!! NOW REALLY!!!

The first full day they decided we should do some activities. So we took a walk over to the stables. I of course went along for the view and the sure to come comedy. There was no way these 200 plus hips was getting on nobody damn horse. Mama know better. Lil G was of the same thinking. She took one look at that horse & then at the release of liability forms the horse master was asking her to sign, rolled her eyes and told that man "Stop playing 'fore I slap you in the eye"

Daddy Pistol, Mama, and Lil Sister Cornbread got on their horses. We waved them off with laughter in our eyes. About 45 minutes later Mama come galloping around the corner holding on to the pummel for dear life! My heart got stuck in my throat. Luckily one of the horse people ran out & stopped them. Mama was looking a hot mess! Weave tore up everywhere.

"Ooooh that Houston shole got a mind of his own. He almost ran me into a tree." she calmly stated. I assumed she didn't want to give the YT folks the impression she ain't never been on no horse before. Shit I say keep it real. She knew damn well not to get her black ass up there anyhow. Like Bigmama say, she'll let Daddy Pistol talk her into hell & back. And his ass could barely dismount his horse his damn self, cause it kept kicking his cane out the way.

"Whoa Jay. Whoa Jay. Be still for Daddy Pistol. That's a good boy. Let me get my cane. Nice horsey"

Suddenly there was a loud choking sound. I looked around and Lil G was laughing so hard she had to run away. Ummm ummm ummm. She is truly Ms G's child cause I will laugh at a simple Knee Grow in a minute. And right about now Daddy Pistol was beyond simple!!

You would think at this point they would have had enough and decide to sit they asses down somewhere. Umm ummm not the Huxtables. They wanted to ride in the horse drawn carriage. I figured this wouldn't be to bad so I decided to tag along. We all started climbing in. As Mama put one leg up, Lil Sister Cornbread phone rang with that Young Jeezy ring tone. Well I guess them horses ain't neva heard no southern rap cause they bolted as if someone was shouting "THE NIGRAS IS COMING! THE NIGRAS IS COMING!"

Honey Mama started hollering & screaming like a fool. She had one foot in & one foot out with her arms wrapped around the left & right carriage posts. She was looking up yelling for Daddy Pistol to help her. He tried to pull her in by her shirt but his ass couldn't hold on to her and his cane. I was gone help 'em out but I was too busy snapping shots with my camera phone. LOL!! These shots were priceless & I wanted to make sure I got them to email to the rest of the family. Daddy Pistol slid to the carraige floor & Mama grabbed ahold of his knee caps. Lord her legs were swinging one way & her recently repaired weave the other. IT WAS TOO MUCH!!!!

After the first aid nurse left and we were making our way back to the cabin in the woods, I tried to talk to Mama & Daddy Pistol but they had no words for Ms G. It seems they didn't think me laughing at them was amusing. I said I was sorry.

"NEXT TIME PUT THE DAMN CAMERA DOWN AND HELP!!!" shouted Daddy Pistol.

I'm sure that's what Rodney King was thinking too but IF that man hadn't kept the camera rolling the world would have been deprived of seeing the LAPD at its finest. I started to point this out to Daddy Pistol until I remebered the 38 hollow point special he carried - with a permit.

Mourning

"If you born. You got to die. Someday we all got to leave here" so says Bigmama

Rest In Peace Godfather of Soul

James Brown!!!

Leaving a legacy of music, song, dance, and ACTIVISM behind. He will never be forgotten. Raise your fist in salute!

"SAY IT LOUD! I'M BLACK AND I'M PROUD!"

Truce or Beef

Hey People, family, friends, haters you name it!!! I couldn’t talk to yall yesterday ‘cause I was at the truce celebration party. No not Iraq you idiots, Lynch Mob & Choppa City!! You know “Dayday ‘nem” out of Anacostia & “BJ” from Woodland. Yes honey Ms G was invited. I wish I could take credit for brokering the truce, but in all honesty Ms G ain’t got six months to waste on talking to no niggas that fight over shit that don’t belong to them anyway. Besides the beef was dumb anyway according to Dayday and once you're beefing you can’t lose your pride by letting it go. Word to the wise, when you live in public housing, there is no turf to fight over. Key word is PUBLIC housing. Public means it belongs to ERYBODY, not just your crew.

I know this truce is going to be a disappointment to many of you all. I mean we live for the fights on the Metro buses. The stabbings, rock throwing, broken windows all that good stuff. I mean after working hard all day or spending eight hours at the Section 8 office, at least we have urban youth violence to look forward to in the afternoons & evenings. ‘Cause I don’t know bout you, but Ms G loves to get on the Metro train and/or bus & listen to Wa-neek-aaah talk about how she had Jonjon, Boosie, Kay Kay & Rock Leg in her room at the same time running a train on her that was so wonderful her girl Shae Shae Twin can’t wait to try it.

OOOOOhhhh and please don’t forget the high school ‘Queens’ carrying on bout how they girl ‘boy’ was checking them out for some sideline down low kicks. Umm umm umm not to mention the fashion critiques on the other train riders. Ms G don’t mind the cussing, straight gangster up your clothes talk at all. It gives me great ideas for my blog & insight on how to cuss somebody out the right way. Matter fact I go home & tell Lil G she got to get on the ball cause she ain’t gangsta enough. I want her to be able to ride Metro and scare the living shit out of the other passengers. Only then will I be a proud mama to say my child has truly contributed to society.

After all Dayday ‘nem be bored. It ain’t nothing to do in SE. They already done threw all the paper & trash they can throw on the ground. All the windows on the vacants are broken. The old ladies are too scared to come out the door so you can’t chase them & snatch their purses. Plus you can only sell crack so many hours a day. What about your down time?

Mayor elect Fenty was at the party also. After all he’s very proud to be a part of the truce team & pledges to throw more money at the youth programs for the troubled teens. I suggested that Mayor Fenty start a new auto club & give the money to kid who steals the most cars from PG County in a week but he didn’t seem to like my idea. Matter fact he was rather snippy with Ms G. Of course you know I quickly put his lil narrow neck straight nose in his place. Shiiiiiiiiit! Ms G used to crack it (no pun intended) back in the day with Barry. I’m a fixture in the community.

Hemingway – the party was a blast and rolling along fine until Ken Kay Kay and Doll-letta-lisha showed up and got to beefing bout silky weave versus yaki perm straight. Next thing you know I was crawling out the back on my knees in my brand new Versace knit winter hug freak em dress (Thanks BEE-Yawn-Say)!!!! I passed Mayor Fenty lying on the ground with his hand up hollering “Help”. I crawled right by his simple ass too. Next time there is a truce party & he needs to get out he’ll be a little bit nicer to Ms G. I hopped in the car with MarionBarry (you know you gotta say it as one word) & we was rolling out till them damn Capitol Police got behind us. I was too drunk to get caught up so I opened the door & jumped out. As I was flying out I could hear MarionBarry shout “That Biach Set Me Up”

Ms G's Christmas List

1. Ms G’s Christmas List
   
   1. Would someone please tell Carmelo Anthony he is not auditioning for a part in next season’s “The Wire”. There is no new ‘Stop Snitching’ video in the works. He is not on the corner in BMore with his boys or trying to get his for Bodie’s honor. Plus you were swinging like a girl & gone run afterwards….! Go sit your ass down somewhere boy.
   2. Dr. Scholl’s Corn Removers
   3. Some lotion so I can give it to Star Jones. That biach looking xtra ashy lately.
   4. Maury’s number so I can pass it to that spicy girl – Mel B. Eddie told me yesterday “He is NOT the father”
   5. A backseat for Beyonce.
   6. Some pretzels for President Bush
   7. Some stilts and invisalines for Jermaine Dupree. I’m getting tired of seeing that lil ugly boy teeth ‘fore I see anything else.
   8. A can of Whoop Ass for Kramer. I bet he would not have had a “nigger” tirade at Jokes-On-Us.
   9. Twelve bars of soap for Jim Jones, Lil Weezy & KFed
   10. A new gold grill. Flavor Flav ain’t never bring me my shit back!
   11. A Chuck Brown Christmas CD. Yall know you can’t have no Christmas get together without Chuck playing in the background.
   12. An explanation as to why Paris Hilton is important? It is the greatest mystery known to mankind.

Thanks to all my fans for the nasty emails & phone calls I have received. ‘Preciate it. After all you clowns are paying me for your daily dose of fun & I should be on my job!! Whatever Knee-Grows!!

The truth is I’ve been so busy with Secret Santa at work till Ms G ain’t had time for nothing else. It’s so much fun!! But please understand Knee-Grow Secret Santa & YT Secret Santa is TWO totally different types. YT will give you really nice gift certificates, candies, chocolates, Lenox ornaments – you know, shit like that. My peoples!!! Lawd Jesus on the Cross, Ms G don’t know where to begin to explain.

We supposed to receive our shit at the beginning of the day, well of course the first day & my shit was late (knee-grows & CP time). Then when I finally got my box, it looked like it had already been someone else’s. Now See!!! I picked it up & frantically pulled the tissue paper – all crumbled from previous use – to see what goodies were in store. A small can of ‘Del Monte Lite Fruit Cocktail’, some peppermints, a checkers key chain & some cough drops. WTF? Is this some sort of hidden message? Loose weight & brush your teeth biach? Now you know Ms G was heated but I decided to find the bright side. At least they got Del Monte; they could’ve just bought the Shoppers store brand.

The next day I decided not to get my hopes up. Lowered expectations leads to less disappointment. I was pleasantly surprised though to get a nice orange, Christmas coffee mug (dollar store ‘fo sho) some gum (I gotta stop eating garlic) and candy canes. While I was peeling my orange, Ms BBB & Ankle Britches walk over with their goodies. Someone had given BBB a training bra (they missed the memo on her Pam Anderson 2 for 1 special) & Ankle a curling iron (she is the kitchen hairdo queen). I fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard. While we were busy laughing some kind of commotion was going on out in the hallway.

We ran to the door and found Ms Yaki Perm Straight running for her damn life. She pushed me out the way & went and hopped under my desk. Coming behind her was a big angry looking brotha with a hammer in his hand. Ankle Britches ran & BBB fell to her knees screaming for Jesus (now that’s a first). Now yall know Ms G don’t play that scared shit. I quickly jumped into Madea mode & called on all the powers of Bigmama to slow this fool in his tracks

“We got a problem here? Huh? Is there a problem here?” I asked with all the bravado of my hero Ice Cube. Yall remember that from Boyz-N-The-Hood? I was classic Cube complete with hands in the air & pistol in the rubber waistband of my pants (had to buy rubber waist after thanksgiving).

Well it seems Secret Santa thought it would be nice to buy his wife, Yaki Perm Straight, some flavored body sauces, sex coupons, vibrating jelly rings etc - LORD WHY? WHY? WHY? Knee-Grows always gotta take shit too far. Who-so-never pulled Yaki Perm name know damn well you don’t give that to folks in the workplace. Umm umm umm...

Hemingway -Hater Hubby wanted to know where was Al B Sure, the man who they thought had pulled his wife’s name & why in the hell was he giving her sex items. It seems Yaki Perm had gone home worried & concerned about the gifts. She also assumed they were from Al. B. Sure A.K.A. Gheri Curl bandit. Now her dumb ass know better. Some people just special. I tried calming homie down & it was starting to work until Al B Sure came whistling down the hall. Hater Hubby pushed me upside the head so hard, I fell into the wall with my feet swinging in the air. The entire time Yaki Perm still got her dumb ass under my desk screaming & carrying on like a damn fool. When I roll up off this floor I’m going to slap the glue off her scalp!!

Luckily Ankle Britches had gone for reinforcements when her scary ass ran away. Peanut ‘nem ran up just in time to save Al B from the hammer. They tackled Hater Hubby to the ground and rolled his ass to the elevator. I ran to my desk & snatched Yaki Perm up. That nappy neck heffa was still crying & carrying on. I slapped her right in the mouth & told her to shut up all that hollering & screaming. Hell she ought to be glad somebody gave her some sex-it-up gifts with the way she & Hater Hubby were looking. That’s probably why he was so damn mad he ain’t been getting none & thinks she giving it to someone else. I quickly set an appointment for them to go to counseling with Tipster. After all if she’s pregnant then she definitely can give pointers on how to revive your love life.

Next year I am participating in the YT side of the office Secret Santa. That way I can get some nice presents & get them on time without drama.

Ho Hum Holidays

Hello Family!!! Ya’ll miss me? Good! Maybe now you’ll show your appreciation by sending me some damn donations. At the rate things are going at work, Ms G gone need all the change she can get. Things are so tight we aren’t having a big Christmas party this year! This does not bode well for our end of the year bonus checks.

This year we’re having group luncheons. Okay not bad right? Well……..not too bad. Our group organizer, Ms Indispensable, sent word that we would travel to our group gourmet luncheon via luxury transportation on event date. OOOOOOOHHHHH LUXURY!!! Ms G loves herself some luxury. On morning of GOURMET luncheon, I put on my best Macy’s clearance rack plus size sweater, my stylish high-leg gauchos, and knee length boots – hey Ms G knows her fashion. I only had crackers for breakfast as I wanted my stomach to be well able to accommodate all the good gourmet grub I was going to get. Ms BBB, Ankle Britches and Young K. Him all skipped breakfast. They weren’t leaving anything to chance. You know how folks are when it’s a free meal, honey hush.

Hemingway – We head out to the courtyard to await our luxury ride. Five minutes go by, no ride. Ten minutes go by, no ride. At this point my knee caps are frozen, cold wind is blowing up my pant legs & my lips are extra chapped!!!! But it’s a free meal, so I’ll endure. The ride finally shows up (on CP time of course) & it’s just the regular shuttle bus the building provides. I was all prepared for a stretch limo. Oh well, a ride is a ride – and it was free. I hop on the mini-bus & head for the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know Rosa Parks liberated us so we could sit up front. But those of you in the know KNOW what Madea said about Rosa & “Get off the Bus” Besides you have the most fun in the back.

We roll down to the old section of town & to my dismay the bus drops us 3 blocks from our destination. Is this ho crazy? Its 25 degrees outside! My people walked enough out here in the cold building this damn city & laying all these bricks in the streets & now she dropping us damn near a mile from where we need to be!!!! My knee bones already hurt. I looked over at Ms BBB and she was about to topple over right on her Pamela Anderson 2 for 1 specials. Obviously she read the memo wrong about our luncheon location as she was dressed for an evening at the Skylark – complete with stiletto boots & all. YK didn’t even have on a jacket, just a classic JR Ewing sweater vest. Boy stop playing!!! The only one of us who had sense enough to put on some clothes was Ms Ankle Britches, sporting her daughter’s doo doo brown corduroys. She was outdated but warm.

We finally make it & get seated in a private dining room. I look at the menu & you have a choice between soup or salad, pork chops, filet mignon on toasted muffin with cheese (shit I could get that at Capitol Carry Out), and a crab cake. Against my better judgment I pick the crab cake. My first instinct was the pork chop but you know how knee-grows are when it comes to seafood. Of course YK always gotta take shit too far with his straight southeast ass. He tells the waitress to bring not 1 but 2 sides of asparagus. Of course this throws Lil Becky Ann completely for a loop with her confused ass. She politely informs him that this will be extra. He grandly waves his hand to indicate it’s not a problem since “they’re paying for it”. Ummm ummm ummm I hate to see his bonus check. Any who, the salad was great! The crab cake needed some seasoning like you wouldn’t believe. They ain’t no Mo’s or G&M for ‘sho!!

We sat around making falsely amusing conversation, eating unseasoned meat & wishing for some liquor. I mean that’s the whole point of a holiday work party right? To sit back and watch folks get liquored up & act a fool. What else are we going to laugh about in the cold Jan & Feb months? Ms G really needed a cocktail but it may have been a good thing since I was sitting perilously close to our department boss. I could see Mr. Martin happily firing my black ass & having me escorted from the building.

In the end the chocolate cake made up for everything & it turned out to be lots of fun. After all your coworkers really are your second family & you should enjoy them. I’ll save my liquor dreams for Lady Carabana’s party next week. NOW that’s a party.