My Nerves My Nerves

My goodness! My goodness!! You talk about a stressful two weeks for Ms G!!! Honey Jesus is threatening to come down off the cross and slap somebody upside the head I’ve been going through so much! My buddy BK Miller had to pull a Petey Green at the workplace with the man ‘cause they gave a brother the shaft. Shanked him when he wasn’t looking! Just dirty! I know you’re wondering what happened but it’s just much much too painful for Ms G to talk about right now. I wanted to go down in solidarity with my peoples but honey Lil G likes to eat & Ms G needs her few coins.

Just as I attempt to settle down from that with a bottle of Tequila Ley .925 -Patron is so commonly ghetto now – and shrimp cocktail & TV, Bobbi Christina calls me crying about why I didn’t get her daddy out of jail!! Oh my that lil heffa is something. I told her I was half asleep when her daddy called. I didn’t think he was in jail for real, for real. He’s always calling me asking for something. So when he rang, I did my usual and hung up on his scaffold lip ass. Who knew he hadn’t paid his baby mama. Now I feel bad.

Hemingway – The Oscars. Oh my, the Oscars. I was on the phone giving Miss Hudson & Miss Rose their props on their WONDERFUL live performance – B-Yawn-Say didn’t want to come to the phone. I guess she knew I was gone chew that ass out about all that hollin & screaming she was doing. Sounding like a broke back bilingual banshee up there on that stage in front of all them YT folks. She know she “ain’t got no time with dem gals” as Bigmama used to say. Know your place Honey, know your place. But I digress (picked that up from Tavis Smiley). Someone was banging, and kicking on my door and shouting at the top of there lungs calling me everything but half a child of God. Now this is the last thing I needed after that Foxy Brown incident last week. I don’t want the police at my house two weeks in a row!

I grab my billy club and head to the window. Lo and behold Eddie ‘Norbit’ Murphy done jumped a jet and got his ass in front of my door, wrinkled tux and all calling me a Bitter Biach. Now see that’s how Nigras is. I told him not to release that Norbit shit before the Oscars, but noooooooo he Eddie Murphy, he ain’t pressed. Now he trying to blame me saying I sabotaged his chances. Now really people. Ms G don’t know nobody at the academy. He better talk that Muhammad Khalil Jihad something. You know the protest leader. I was way to stressed to even deal with Eddie’s foolishness so I quickly threw a picture of a skinny extra light skinneded long hair flat booty former Jack & Jiller ex-friend of mine out the window to him. Worked like a charm.

With all this going on by Monday night I was completely Diana Ross traumatized & needed something. I had forgotten all about watching TV with Lil G and she ain’t the type of child to take no for an answer. She might have one of her lil thugalicious boyfriends do me harm. So against my better judgment I climbed on her futon to watch the Oprah Leadership Academy Special.

Good God WHY!!! I love Ms O-Free, God knows I do, but I’ll kill her dead ‘fore I let her make me cry again! Honey them lil African girls was so focused on they edu-ma-cation and just so HAPPY in their sing song voices I couldn’t stop crying. You talk about a blessing. Honey Ms O is the queen. She put her money where her mouth is. I was so inspired by those girls I told Lil G from now on her ass gone walk to school and catch her lunch in the wild. Then she might learn to appreciate stuff. I went to bed with a clear conscience & an eased heart. What did I have to be stressed about?

Fried Egg Friday

I am so channeling crack head hooker complete with burnt Junior Gong weave today till it ain’t Eeee-Much funny!! It was a rough start for Ms G this morning. After BBQ King’s stellar Keith Sweat performance last night, I was not up for coming into work.

Hemingway- I’m rushing this morning tryna brush my grill, lotion my ash and hot curl my ADORABLE weave when the phone rings. Of course it’s that stupid Bobby “Gap Mouth” Brown saying he heard that my cousin Quiontione in the Bahamas got Anna Nicole baby in protective custody & do I need him to fly over there with me to check things out. I politely cussed his ass out in the most Christian way possible & hung up the phone. That NIGRA!!! I bet my lil cuzo Blasian Prince tipped him off.

I return to the bathroom, grab my marcel curling iron & stick my weave in it. LORD JESUS ON THE CROSS 10 TIMES!!! I nearly broke out in a Michael Jackson moonwalk cause I swear it was like a Pepsi commercial shoot. Smoke was everywhere! And the smell. UMM UMM UMM! Fortunately I was able to douse the flames quickly – with little help from Mr. King I might add. That Nigra was standing there looking at me like he ain’t never seeent such a sight before. Just cause his mama got “good hair” don’t mean that heffa ain’t never burnt it before!!

Now any reasonably sane sistah would have taken this as a sign from God and climbed her black ass back in the bed. But NOOOOOO, not me. I’m tryna impress at my new job (oh yeah I forgot to tell yall there was some work place movements last month – call me 2nite & I’ll fill you in) ‘fore I start calling out ERY Friday. I don’t know these peoples like that yet to start acting up. So I scrape off the burnt hair, rub some Design Essentials oil on it to cover the smell & roll out.

Upon my arrival at work it becomes clear that somebody forgot to inform Ms G that it was bring your child to work day – compliments of the ice storm – and that everybody and his four mammies’ children were going to be next door to Ms G office. Now folks don’t get me wrong, like the song say “Trick love the kids”. It’s just that I ain’t Trick and these ain’t regular kids. Them lil angels (I use the term loosely) was running up and down the hall, yelling, slamming doors & shit!! One of the mommas was standing in the hall like she didn’t know the kids belonged to her. With a dumb ass look that said “Where these bad asses come from?”

Hemingway, all was quiet after I put my shoes back on and locked the door to the room that the kids were in. I bet them heathens & heathettes won’t try me no damn more. Made me hurt my damn hand. MESSAGE: Folks if YT is kind enough to let you bring chilens to work, make sure they asses know how to act. Don’t let them come mess it up for erybody. We all know it only takes one Nigra to ruin it for erybody! Remember the stolen laptops? Right. Need I say more?

After this commotion I definitely needed a damn good lunch. So I took Peanut, Tokyo & BK Miller up on the lunch offer & bounced out (trying out some new language). Before the car could crank up good BK asked if anyone smelled something burning. Of course I knew it was my hair – burnt smell does not disappear easily – but I wasn’t going to admit it. I tried to change the subject but he one of those Nigras that just won’t let shit go. Next thing I know he sniffing behind my headrest like a world class K-9! He was about to point out that it was my hair but I forestalled (I’m in night school) by bringing up his ex girl Nickel. LOL!! Mention women to him and it’s all over. Kept his ass occupied for the rest of the drive.


Needless to say I ate way too much at lunch & new I wasn’t going to do a damn thang for the rest of the day. Luckily when I got back to my desk, the mammies had wised up & moved their kids. I suppose the bruises must have alarmed them. Oh well……beat your kids & Ms G won’t have to. Now I’m gonna find one of these empty ass office chat rooms that don’t know damn body use & take me an afternoon siesta!!

You Can Eat Cake

I wish you people would stop emailing me your nasty comments about me not writing everyday. Ms G is going through a crisis right now. All the free cakes, cookies, restaurant gift certificates and other shit yall been sending me has finally caught up with me!! From my lips straight to these hips!

I got up yesterday morning to put on my Cavallie – NO, not Roberto but Pookie Cavallie – jeans. Yall know Pookie with the stand in front of the shrimp boat on Benning Road? Well Hemingway – I grabbed my jeans. Ironed them bone flat & sprayed ‘em board stiff with that Niagra green can starch until they could stand up by themselves. Took my shower. Greased myself up real good with shea & cocoa. Sprayed on my smelling salts & hopped into my tight – no not in a good way – Victoria Secrets. Of course my Secrets have long been out of the bag.

I stood my jeans up so I could step into them and started pulling them up & they just stopped at the knees. I checked the zipper & the damn thing was fine. So I fell back on the bed & tried to drag them up that way. Honey sparks were popping out the side of my thighs there was so much friction. Then I called Lil G to come rub some more cocoa butter on my hips. Honey my poor baby damn near used the whole jar.

“Ok Baby, Now help Mama pull her pants up please.” I asked my first born. She gave me a look like she knew it was impossible but didn’t want to get a whipping for saying so. Lil G pulled & pushed & slid & pumped to no avail. I know by now most of you would have given up but Ms G is not a quitter. I wasn’t letting my starch go to waste. Those biaches were getting on if it was the last thing I did.

An hour later I was hooking the zipper up with an old metal hanger. Thank God Mr BBQ King saves his from the cleaners. Lil G pushed me up off the bed & I immediately got light headed. Those jeans were cutting off so much circulation, air & belly gut I thought Tyrese had punched me in the back & kicked me in the front. I guess I would be skipping breakfast this day. As I slid down the stairs toward the front door, Lil G called out for me to be careful & don’t cut nobody with the crease of my jeans.

By the time I made it to work, my bikini line was on fire & I knew it was going to be a 14 day Monistat month for me when I got these things off. As I was wiggling out of my car, I saw Dollywood herself heading towards the office. There was no way in five HELLS I was going to let Ms BBB with her surgically altered flat gut see me like this. If I had a nickel for every time that biach offered me her doctors number, I could buy an Ike Turner learn at home “Beat a Biach Ass” kit. I let that heffa go in first.

I side walked into my office & slid into my chair. I was kinda reclined as my jeans were just too tight to bend or anything. Just as I was getting comfortable the phone rang. You know God really does have a sense of humor. While I’m struggling to catch my last breath, I gotta pick up the phone & hear my sister, Sexy Slim, mother of 4, thirty plus years sounding all cheerful & slender.

“Hey Girl! Damn what’s wrong with you? One of those eye dogs over there chasing you?” She laughed.

“Naw Girl, my Cavallies are too tight.” I replied.

“Yeah I called your house & Lil G was crying about her fingers being burned & her arm hurting from pulling on your pants. I’ma tell it to you straight cause I love you. You fat ass need to go on a diet & stop eating and shit!”

Now yall know Ms G was instantly pissed. I told her to go get a real booty & slammed the phone down in her face. Then I went to her MySpace page and left a real nasty message & posted one of her worst prom pictures ever! That’ll teach her.

Hemingway – a couple hours later I felt really bad. Slenderella was only telling the truth. I went to her MySpace & posted a big heart. Then I called her & she emailed me some AB slimming exercises & some other good tips. Later that night as BBQ King steamed me out of those jeans, & rubbed Neosporin on my coochie cuts I thought about how lucky I was to have a sister like Slenderella. Tomorrow I’m going to the gym with my Down South Video Booty Workout soundtrack. Yall come on down & work out with Ms G.

Week of Madness

Ms G cannot take a day off without people running around acting crazy, overdosing, killing, robbing, shooting and protesting. What is wrong with Nigras & YT in 2007? I take one day off. Just one day & everything goes haywire.


I am so disgusted by the events of this week that I cannot find any humor whatsoever to lift my mood. Nigga knocking his two year old upside the head & leaving her outside in 2 degree weather to freeze to death!! Now you know somebody needs to tie his ass to a sap tree & put sugar & honey all over his rusty black ass. When the animals finish with him set that clown on fire!!! By the way – is the mama blind & deaf? Sleeping through molesting & killing your children – she needs her ass whipped too!!

Then I was driving home listening to the radio when I heard about Anna Nicole & ran my car up on the curve. Lost my hubcap & nearly busted my tire open. Right there at that Exxon on Pennsylvania & Branch. Peoples was looking at me like I was crazy. I was simply in a state of shock. If you ask me I think that hubby gave her some bad dope from the same batch he gave her son. But I ain’t one to gossip.

Now I am going to have to take some more time off to regroup from this here type of shit. Yall know Ms G is a real big hearted person & things like this really just wear me out. Now I got to put in for a leave of absence from my job.

Would you believe with all this calamity going on, that nigra Najee Ali come calling me asking me about participating in his protest against Eddie Murphy & Norbit? Yeah you know Ms G cussed his simple bean pie selling ass out. Protest the genocide in Darfur. Protest HIV/AIDS in the black community. Protest D.C. schools with no heat. But nigra don’t waste my time on no dumb shit. Fat black women could give a damn bout Eddie Murphy sweet cornbread self.

I told him I didn’t have time for that shit. Hell I just got a call from NASA to come down & debrief Mrs. Nowak – yall know the astro-nut lady. I can tell she ain’t crazy, just mad as hell. So now I got to give her the Ms G 101 class on how to beat a two-timer & his chick down without going to jail. And trust me, my course don’t include diapers!

National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day

Today Feb 7 is National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day! Please take your stuff down to the clinic and get it tested. You know June Bug got six baby mamas - it behooves you to find out your status.

Lil Cheniqua ain't as sweet as she pretends. She had bout four brothers up in that last night. Use a condom or JUST SAY NO!!!!

Sure Leslie is fine, red, long hair, clean nails. Stay in some fresh Versace gear. Got a college degree. Don't talk to just anybody. She real mean. That don't mean her coochie clean.

ABSTAIN
GET TESTED
GET EDUCATED
PROTECT YOURSELF!

"Baby it don't feel right with a condom." Is what he says. It won't feel right when you're dying, your skin is falling off & your stuff is on fire either!!

Vernice is one sexy chocolate sister. Umm umm umm you want you some of that. But is her chocolate monogamy chocolate or fundue chocolate where everybody takes a dip.

Know your partner & their status!!!!

Protect yourself people. Ms G don't want to have to tell nobody you died from that stuff!!!

Black History Month

Yippeee!!! It’s Black History Month!!! My favorite time of the year! Now I get to go to all the preschools & kindergarten classes & watch all the lil chilrens dress up like Martin Luther King and Harriet Tubman. There will be speeches and slave reenactments. We’ll get to learn about all the black folks who invented something or ‘nother and teach our children to be Proud to Be BLACK!!! SAY IT LOUD! I’M BLACK AND I’M PROUD!!

Wait! Stop! Hold Up! Isn’t this what we SHOULD do all year? Shouldn’t Quanesha Shante teach Daequan Lorenzo Andontae Twonik something other than the Crip walk off the Snoop Dog video? Aren’t these kids supposed to know who invented the traffic light? Well you know Ms G is never one to criticize without performing a scientific study. So that’s what I did. No I did not take my ass out on the corner with a clipboard – it is too cold for all that. I decided to randomly call numbers in the phone book based on address & last names.

I started with the J’s. Jenkins, Jones, Jackson. Out of ten calls, 5 out of 10 respondents new Garrett Morgan invented the traffic light. Three out of 10 thought it was made by Thomas Edison – Don’t ask – and two out of 10 wanted to know why in the hell I was calling “they houses playing on the phone & shit”. All of the respondents wanted to know if I was from the Russ Parr show and if they were getting a prize.

Next I went to the W’s. Watkins, Williams and Waters. Out of ten calls, 9 out of 10 did not know the Kente cloth sold at Wal-Mart was really made in China. Ten out of 10 wanted to know what they won for answering the question – forget about getting shit right, these Nigras felt they was due a prize for participating. I see this as a direct result of not getting our 40 acres and mule!

My last group was the B’s. Brown, Blake, Bennett. Out of ten calls, 3 out of 10 respondents knew that February 1, 1960 was the start of the Greensboro sit ins by four North Carolina A&T students. Five out of 10 wanted to know what a ‘sit in’ was. And nine out of 10 wanted to know what they had won. They all became angry after I said ‘knowledge’. One lady even threatened to report me to Verizons’ harassment call line since I didn’t have any prizes. She said I was “purpletrating a fraudg”.

After these calls you must understand I was quite despondent. We didn’t know OURstory! We’ve been fed HIStory for so long, that we’d lost ourselves. I knew something had to be done. I dusted off my authentic Kente robe of wisdom. Lit my mind clearing great thoughts shea butter candles and began to chant to the ancestors. Searching, asking for an answer to this dilemma.

“Ms G – shabbach shabbang shabboo. It is up to you to teach the peoples. You must forsake all worldly pleasures and feed the people the knowledge of their pasts”

“Oh how can I do that, O’ great and wise ancestor?” I asked

“You must buy all the black history books and games you can and give them to the people at base of the National Monument.”

“Yeah but the people will not come. It is cold outside.”

“If you say ‘Free Food & Beverages’ then they will come.” After her reply the great ancestor vanished and I was left with a disturbing thought. I have no money to provide free food, beverages not to mention buying all those books and shit. Maybe I will ask Oprah. No cain’t do that. She just built that school. I’ll ask Puffy, Russell, Kimora and 50cents. Hell who am I kidding? Them Nigras ain’t even giving up no duckets for the King Memorial.

Then it struck me. To whom much is given much is required. Charity starts at home. Before I approach others, I must first sacrifice. Therefore I have decided to forego attending the Black Bowl –oops I meant Super Bowl- and will use funds to buy black history materials. I wonder if Pookies’ Emporium will give me my money back for this weave.