Men Cry In the Light

Hey Family!!! I know y’all missed me but Ms. G. had some bizness to take care of downtown yesterday. Upon returning to work this morning I was quite dismayed to discover a coworker of mine with not one but TWO black eyes!!! What in the Hell?

“Oh my God, BK Miller what happened to you?”

“That crazy ass Nickel broke in my house and caught me in my new king sized bed with Thai Peppers!!!” he cried.

Umm umm umm damn! I just shook my head and walked away. You see I felt responsible as I had previously prophesized that exact situation. Sharing tidbits & snippets of our personal lives – as coworkers tend to do – I knew that Nickel was going to be trouble. She seemed unstable and had BK a bit confused.

He would rant and rave about how she would come over and basically have him singing like Eddie Murphy belting out ‘Party All The Time’ in a mink hat and cowboy boots. Then just disappear or not call for weeks at a time. Poor thing would be so heartbroken.

“I ain’t taking her lil beady eye ass back this time. Oh no, I got some new peoples coming over!” He would declare this with such ferocity – sweat on forehead, concentrated look in eye, clenched fists- until I believed him. Needless to say she’d be back in a week.

Ladies (and gentlemen), I know some of you are laughing because you’ve been treated this way by men (never Ms. G. cause niggas know I will hunt their asses down & set something on FIRE!!!) But ladies lets be fair: MEN CRY IN THE DAYLIGHT TOO!

Everybody knows how Mookie over on Benning road (NE) was so in love with Key Lo Lo and believed her to be as pure as the driven snow (or whatever phrase YT uses). However we all know that Ho’s (yes some biaches deserve capitalization) name should have been Key Blo Blo. That girl was putting everyone to her lips from Ned the Wino to Tim Bo the Trash man. Some of them within the same hour, Supahead take notes.

TKO (named changed to protect the innocent) gets an engagement ring polished every month cause his chick just flipped, clipped and dipped. Now he’s all about bending someone over & rolling out. He doesn’t want to see any of “those no good heifers faces”. Poor Peanut, he won’t even date Libra women because one left him so tore up!!! Child that boy was broke down on the side of Lovers Lane wearing crotch less leather pants, spike & chain vest with a whip in his boots and a feather in his hair.

The point I’m trying to make people, is that we all should be a lil kinder & gentler in matters of the heart. Next time King Salmon is outside kicking at your door, you may want to re-evaluate that 911 call. Some men can be scarred for life. Now I’m not saying let that nigga run up in your crib like he Cujo, no then he gots to be put down. I’m just saying men have hearts too.

Don’t crush them up like Trina & Lil Wayne’s special hood ‘headache’ powder & sprinkle them on the wind for the rest of us to catch pieces of a crazy man. Let them down gently, so that when the next woman comes along she can just add a lil glue to the cracks.

Of course even Ms G. realizes that some Knee Grows are dogs just because they’re dogs & want to get all the stray kitty cats they can. For those types I say take ‘em to every expensive restaurant (this does not include Red Lobster) you can find. Charge the card to the max. Use their cell to call Loqueshia ShaShaun ‘nem in Georgia to discuss the afternoon stories in the afternoon – no free nights & weekends then. Withhold the booty during this time of course. Then give his best friend some behind his back. That’ll teach him.

IRS Fugitive

Hey Peoples. You know Ms G. a.k.a. Sister Big Bone – THANK YOU ANTHONY HAMILTON!! – was home celebrating her 35th birthday last night when I got a call from Bigmama.

“Did you get that packet I sent you?”

“Nope”

“Well keep looking, it’s ‘spose to been there by now!” Bigmama angrily exclaims.

I just tell her ok and that sometimes UPS comes late so I can calm her down. She says she sent me something & packed some chicken in there with it. At this point I shake my head, smile and in a patronizing voice thank her again. Older people are so funny. As she’s hanging up the phone – mind you without saying goodbye – I can hear her mumbling about how my mama didn’t raise us with a lick of sense.

A few hours later the doorbell rings & it is indeed UPS with a rather large box. I drag it in, and cut the tape off the middle. Well, out rolls 3 chicken bones cleaned to the marrow, some biscuit crumbs and two knee caps so ashy look like they been stuck in a salt pit for five days!!!

Honey Bigmama has smuggled Wesley Snipes out of Florida in a corrugated cardboard box!!!! Lawd Good God Almighty!!!!

“Hey Girl!” cries Wesley. He’s dressed in his Noxeema Jackson outfit with a busted up twisted Erykah Badu (after she stopped being celibate) type wig straight from the crypt!!! You talk about a complete burned to a crisp mess! I have never!

“What in the world are you doing here? What is going on” I ask with dumbfounded facial expressions.

“Well you know the IRS is after me so Bigmama suggested I hide out here. I only need to stay a little while till I get to China where my wife’s peoples at.”

Poor Wesley, he just doesn’t have a clue. Now see if he had taken his ass down the street and talked to O.J. before he rolled out he would know better. There are some things YT just won’t let slide - killing white women & skipping taxes are two of them. Just ask Jermaine Dupree, Red Fox (God Rest His Soul) and Ronald Isley. Wesley gone end up being his cell mate.

I sit Miss Noxeema rusty long foots ass down and offer the following points of advice:

You are not Kenneth Lay. You are not friends with The Busch presidents – past & present. Which means you cannot fake your death, have guilty verdict deemed null and void and escape to the Caymans with your $43 million estate intact
You can’t ask Black Hollywood to help you out. Knee Grows do not give anything but “I told you so”
Run up to BMore on the set of The Wire and get some moisture advice from Omar (that’s a shiny true blue black negro)
You are not Kenneth Lay
Call Patrick Swayzie
You cannot go unnoticed in China. I suggest you try Zimbabwe, Congo or Sierra Leone.
Ask Madonna or Angelina to adopt you.
You are not Kenneth Lay

I tell Wesley he can sleep in the back yard – he is not going to shred my sheets with those hard dry riverbank crusted over heels topped with Blade fang fungus infected toenails – until I can get Peanut ‘nem to take him down to DuPont Circle for the Drag Races. Then he can just run down the street with the other hard, ashy manly girlie girls in heels and simply disappear in the crowd.

I give Wesley an old blanket – stolen from a previous hospital stay- a pillow & show him the back door. I make me way upstairs where Mr. King is waiting with nothing but a hard hat, tool belt & some Timbs (good looking out BK Miller). But before I could get situated the damn phone rings.

“It’s my prerogative! What’s up Girl? I hear you got company. Ask that lotion deficient fool if he got any of the IRS twelve million with him? I need some gas money.”

“Bobby ‘Cracked Lips’ Brown didn’t I tell you stop calling my damn house!!! You don’t even have a car!” I yell!!! I slam the phone down and return to my pole.

Crack heads know every damn thang!!!!

Love & Aging!!

Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday Ms. Geeeeeeeeee. Happy Birthday to me. L.O.L.

Yes people I’ve reached a milestone. The ripe old age of 35!!! YIPPEEEE!!!! All this aging & birthdaying got me to thinking. Will I chase after younger men now? (Mr. King if you are reading this I am just playing!! For entertainment purposes only!!) Will I get more offers from older men? What is with this phenom of older/younger lover? Is it new or just noticed? Hmmm let me pontificate.

My girl Chocolate Fantasy got her not one but two - yes TWO young hot tree trunk slinging Mandingos (I know, I know but what else can I call them?). Miss Chocolate is strongly pushing fifty but could easily pass for a soft forty. Well one of her younglings held her hostage this weekend. 6 feet 5 inches 300 pounds of nothing but pure man!!!!! LORD HAM MERCY!!! That happy heifer been skipping her well done ass around the office all week!!!

Ms. BBB has an older salt&pepper man leaving her messages like “I’m leaving you two messages just in case you don’t get the first one, you’ll have a second one. It’s been a whole 17 hours since we last spoke” WTF is that all about? He can’t wait to get in him some young hot stuff. I’m quite sure she gone burn his lil grey ass up too!! I told that girl last week to gone to the clinic & get them pills.

Lady Carabana has been harassed all year by the 21 & up crowd. They constantly harp on how she doesn’t look the 40 plus something she is. I have to admit she does look well especially up against these crack aged wore out ashy ankles busted knee caps disease trap “young things” walking around. Of course I would never tell her that. Carabana’s ego is already out of control. I would have to strap that heifer to a gas can & set her eyelashes on fire to tell her she ain’t the shit.

So which combo works best? Younger man / older woman or older man / younger woman? This obviously required a clinical test and who better to perform such an intense scientific examination than yours truly.

I decided to try the older man/younger woman scenario first. I called up Harvey (names & identifying characteristics have been changed in case y’all know him) and took him up on his date offer. The po man been asking me for over a year but I just couldn’t see it. But hey anything in the name of scientific clarification.

Hemingway – We meet at Ruby Tuesdays in Pentagon City. Strike one for old man, he should know better. He’s all touchy feely & trying to kiss. Strike two!!! Knee-Grow don’t ever put your chapped lip wet tongue whisker wearing ass on my face. I don’t know where your lips been. Besides his stomach is a little bigger than I like. However since I can’t afford a tummy tuck I have no right to complain so I keep an open mind.

Throughout the meal he talked about his job, how much money he makes, how his wife won’t give him none & how beautiful I am. Amazingly he does this with his eyes glued to my cleavage the whole time. Ms. G ain’t one to brag but these 42 DD’s ain’t nothing to sneeze at!

After the meal Harvey asks me to ride by one of his recently vacated rental properties with him. I see no harm so I go along. BIG MISTAKE!!! We in the house walking around when the next thing I know, I’m being slammed against the radiator while this fool is attempting to perform a mastectomy with his dry ass knife blade lips!!! Simultaneously his right hand is attempting to stitch a new crotch seam in my Gloria Vanderbilt jeans!!! Oh hell to the NAWL!!!! You do not manhandle the vintage Gloria’s.

Was this his idea of foreplay? No wonder Wifey won’t give his big belly ashy knuckle shirt tucked in wearing ass no coochie!!! That woman probably be in fear for her life!!!

I raised my knee to kick him in his pee wee but honey between that big belly & a virtually non-existent penis, it was no use!!! I was kicking air for days which he mistook for encouragement because he excitedly exclaimed in a breathless whisper “Oh yeah baby, daddy know you want it bad. Don’t rush me I’ma takes my time with all dis here”

Nigga give DMX back his pipe immediately before you get your ass kilt!!! Not killed but KILT!!!! Like they do in southeast!!! I pulled my blade out my bra – Ms G never slips – and scraped that clown right cross his ashy ass knuckles!!!! He let go with the quickness!!!

‘Chile I had to call Ankle Britches so her state trooper boyfriend/fiancé could pick me up at the beltway & Branch Avenue!!! Needless to say this will be the first and LAST clinical study Ms G. performs. This was more embarrassing than the time Ms. Nickelodeon got searched at the airport with a half of tube of “Good Head” cream in her bag!

Office Pic-a-Nic

Well Folks, I have lamented all morning on where, how or if to begin to commentate on Fridays Frolic Fiasco. Should I start by pointing out how it was too damn cold for a picnic anyways! No maybe the fact that the caterer ran out of plates & utensils. How in the HELL do you as a so called professional run out of plates, spoons & forks. Hell Ms. G can get those at the dollar store!

But I’m running ahead so let me take it from the top. First off a large portion of my coworkers cannot drive as they are visually impaired and/or blind. Hell even the ones who can see can’t really drive. Well the picnic announcement email said please make your own transportation arrangements!!! WTF!!! What were they going to do hitchhike? Cane walk down the causeway? Cause I damn sure wasn’t giving ANYONE a ride.

Hemingway – We get to the park & we’re underneath a huge pavilion with a big ass walk in fireplace. Now you know all the “color people” hit that joint like they was giving out free Tyler Perry DVD’s. Baby I just knew Ms. Ankle Britches kinky twists were going to catch on fire. Ms. BBB had herself protected with the big dope boy corner jacket. She was taking no chances on accidental deflation. Lord Jesus on the Cross even Al B. Sure was out. He wouldn’t tell me how he keeps the curls so fresh & shiny, even in the cold. Must carry a mini activator bottle.

I go get my plate and thought these people need they asses whooped two times with extension cords. Obviously they ran out of mayonnaise midway making the potato salad ‘cause it was drier than I would be if Flava Flav (crispy lips rascal) was kissing my neck. Then they had some pasta that looked like rice and tasted like wet 2 day old oodles & noodles. A hot twice fried shitty mess!!! Some soft cook chicken and Eddie Murphy Raw type hamburgers (you remember “Mama this don’t look like McDonalds”) rounded out the course. I refuse to even mention those dumped from the can beans they had. The only good thing was the German sausage – go figure.

Returning to the buffet line for seconds (hey nasty or not it was still free food) I discovered there weren’t any plates left. So I approach a server and inform her we need more plates. This biach looked at me like I was Whitney pre-rehab with two crack pipes.

“We don’t have anymore plates, but you can use these bowls right here”

Baby it took all I had for me not to give that skank ho an Aunt Esther type slap upside the head. The bowls were no bigger than my fist. We would have come out better with Pookie ‘nem catering at least we would have had enough plates and some ‘luminum foil for wrap & go.

I suffered through all this while Peanut was playing that dumb ass polka music. They wouldn’t even let the brother put it on WPGC. Ms BBB didn’t get to shake her hind parts to RE. No percolator for Britches and Tokyo had to hang up his dashiki for a fleece jacket!

All this made me angry so I had to find some release. Ms. G played kickball! Well after the ambulance left with the oxygen everyone returned to the pavilion for dessert. Only to be told by Ms Rasta Dred that dessert would be postponed till Monday because the caterer left & took the remaining knives & bowls!!!! Oh HELL TO THE NAWL!!!!!

That was the last damn straw. Honey Ms G limped her ass to the car and got the hell out of there!!! I got home & pulled that Kendall Jackson out my back pack and got twisted. Oh I know you didn’t think I was leaving empty handed. After running out of shit they owed me that wine!! Next year I’m boycotting!!!

The Office - Picnic Music

Lord I try so hard. But these Negroes I work with just won’t let me work in peace. I always gotta take time out to talk about their asses. Our company picnic is coming up this Friday & we’re having a DJ. Well Tokyo the Green Eyed Bandit wants to hear Tupac & Biggie. Nigga please. You know these keeblers are afraid of rap unless it’s MC Hammer. Not to mention they think the East Coast/West Coast feud still going on!!

Young K Him wants to hear YMCA & Tony Benet. Yep that’s the same thing I said. W.T.F!! Ms. Ankle Britches can’t wait to do the pee wee herman & the percolator, pants so high looking like she just finish shucking corn. Know damn well her kitchen krafted kinky twist can fall out at any time. Shaking her booty all up in Peanut face. Honey I have told you before, SOMETHINGS you just got to keep to yourself.

Now Ms BBB a.k.a. Pam Anderson a.k.a Dollywood …I could go on forever. That girl said play Rare Essence (R.E.) ‘work the walls & shake it like a white girl’. Now for those of yall who don’t know. R.E. is a Go-Go band in the chocolate city that’s very popular. They were on the Luda track ‘Pimping all Over the World’. Every show they have somebody gets stabbed, shot, beat down or some such drama. What makes her think YT gone sit comfortably by watching her slap people upside the head with her inflatable flotation devices while shaking her ‘black’ ass. In the words of Madear “Girl is you on that stuff?”

Of course Peanut, our company DJ, had to remind their ignorant asses that the picnic has a theme. It’s Oktoberfest negroes. That means we will have German beer and bratwurst. Tupac does not go with bratwurst.

Of course this dismayed Tokyo. “You might as well play Coon-bye-ya, since it’s a pic-a-nic” Lord here we go!!

Tokyo the Green Eyed Bandit will show up in his dashiki. Ms. Ankle Britches will go out and get a new pair of leg warmers just for this. Young K Him is probably now hatching a scheme to poison the food so he can eat it, take time off & file suit against the company. Ms BBB will show up in her Marc Jacobs super spandex coochie cutters special ordered from Neimans – cause she gots to look right. Ms. Chocolate Fantasy will be skipping her happy ass around without a care in the world. I swear that girl got Crunchy Black held hostage somewhere.

They will be gyrating, pu$$y popping, backing they thang up all over the damn place!!! Not to mention packing plates up for “they cuzin ‘nem” All except Ms. Rasta Dred, you know her cuzin ‘nem gone be part of the clean up crew, the catering crew, the entertainment crew and the just plain show up cause my cousin said so crew. It’s a COMPANY picnic sweetie. That means COMPANY employees.

Next thing you know there will be an executive meeting. YT will have to cancel all company events – until further notice because the “ethnic” peoples don’t know how to act. I say let Peanut play some safe music & we sit down all nice. Laugh at the YT ladies trying to do the Electric Slide. Watch them attempt ‘here comes the Hammer’ and call it a damn day!!!

p.s. Peanut if you is reading dis here – You think you can sneak in a lil 2 Live Crew or Poison Clan. “If you Gotta Lotta Booty”? THAT’S MS. G’s ANTHEM!!!

Weekend Calamity

Hello my people!!! I know you’ve been waiting with baited breath for my next post, but honey Ms G has been in recovery from a near career ending injury! Thanks to Testy T my typing days were almost at end. Went to Lucky Strike to roll a few and I guess I got a lil too fancy. Baby I call myself doing a plie` that was supposed to turn into a fancy pirouette & then I was going to slide into a split. You know like they do in professional bowling.

My my my. I wish somebody had slapped me upside my head before hand. I hit that pli – didn’t even get to the “e” and it was all over. My body swayed to the right like Lil John was shouting to my left. Thank God for that brick wall. Flashing before my eyes was the time I fell & slid under the buffet at Ryan’s; ending up with a neck full of rice and broccoli & cheese. I assure you it was nothing nice.

So I lounged around this weekend taking the leftover Vicodins I got from T.O. I know he’s going to want them back though, after that game in Philly. Damn shame. Hemingway- Couldn’t get much sleep ‘cause the dang phone kept ringing.

Mama called telling me bout their 75 year old guest (white) minister at church. Apparently he was so happy to be in the presence of black folks he momentarily forgot himself.

“I’m so happy to be here with yall. You people worship like nobody else. You’re so full of the spirit and you really let go and praise the Lord. I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE CHURCH!”

Then he went on about how he was glad to see some white folks in the audience this time as there were none last time. Mama said at this point Juan Jose Julio Ramirez Caesar Chavez stood up proclaiming “I’m Hispanic”. Apparently he didn’t want to be lumped in with the white visitors.

Well while the church thought this was hilarious and fell out laughing, a BIG commotion was occurring at the front of the church. The main pew was knocked over. The alter candles had caught the offering cloth on fire and that poor minister was on the ground choking!!

Lord Ham Mercy!! By the time they got Bigmama purse straps from ‘round his neck, the church had damn near burned down. I guess she had a Civil Rights flash back and didn’t think that shit was funny. Its gone take a whole lot of Red Lobster fried shrimp to calm her down from this one.

No point in me trying to sleep after that since I was in too much pain from laughing. I guess I better call up Willie Nelson & see if the cops left him any herbs & mushrooms. Till next time people.

Phone Bill

Hello my friends. Lord, thought I was going to be in jail this morning instead of at work on these peoples computer. Testy T called my cell last night and in an amused tone asked:

"Ms. G, what is going on with your phone?"

"What do you mean" I ask.

"I called your house & all I heard was 'dun dung ding We're sorry but the number......"(you all know the sound)

"Well I guess Mr. Bar-B-Que King didn't pay the phone bill."

"What are you going to do?"

"Not a damn thing!" This is what I said aloud of course. But on the inside I was seething!!! I am going to slap some hair on top of his slick head when I get home!!! Got me looking like a welfare recipient after a big crab party on the first. Can have a 100 damn negroes over to eat and drink but cain't pay our bills.

I immediately dialed his cell phone. "Did you pay the phone bill?" I demanded

"Of course. The receipt is on the table" he replied.

Somewhat mollified (pull out your Webster all my special people), I hung up & continued my drive home. Sure enough the receipt was there. So I decided to call Verizon and see what the problem was.

Well that dang blasted automated system had me about to EXPLODE!!!!! "Please say this, please tell me that. You are not correct. Please enter this. Goodbye!" I must have called that thing at least 6 times only to be told that the business office was closed and "try your call again during business hours."

Never one to give up so easily, I remembered the repair number that they had way back when it was GTE. I dialed and got Miss Automation again, but I outwitted (leave your dictionary on your desk) her ass this time.

I finally got a live person asking me what was wrong with my phone.

"It won't work"

"Have you unplugged all equiptment - including computers for at least 5 minutes?"

Of course I knew the phone was disconnected for non-payment, not because it was broke. You see Mr King in his infinite (I TOLD YOU LEAVE THE DICTIONARY ON THE DESK) wisdom decided to pay the bill at Shoppers instead of going straight to Verizon. Now y'all know how ghetto Shoppers is. It will be a miracle if Verizon gets the money at all.

So I lied and said "Yeah. We did that. When friends try to call they get a recording".

So the woman checks the line & confirms that service was interrupted due to non-payment. I tell her I have the payment receipt and can she restore.

"I'm sorry Miss G, you will have to speak to the business office"

"Ok transfer me to them please"

"They are not open so you'll have to call during business hours"

"WHAT????? Well then how did they turn off the phone AFTER business hours?"

"Oh the system automatically does that"

"WELL THEN LET THE SYSTEM AUTOMATICALLY TURN ME BACK ON!!!! My alarm! SUPPOSE a killer breaks in here & tries to strangle me? I won't be able to call police! Mr. Bar-B-Que will more than likely run off & leave me to fight the killer and then it will be all Verizon's fault!!!"

This woman actually had the audacity (I know, I know the dictionary is heavy) to laugh at me!!! I didn't think that shit was funny and politely told her ass so before hanging up in her face. Hey, this was not free nights & weekends so my minutes were too precious to worry about saying goodbye.

I tossed and turned all night worrying about a killer breaking in and not being able to dial 911!!!! Plus I just know Mr. Bar-B-Que King would NOT save me. Last time that negro hid in the closet supposedly looking for some chuck sticks he ain't used in 20 years!!

I must have finally drifted off but what was rudely awakened by the phone at 7am.

"Ms. G, Ms G!!! I've been tryin to call you all night, GIRL You ain't pay your bills!!!"

"Dammit Bobby Brown!!! Didn't I tell your ass to stop calling here early in the morning. NO you cannot borrow my car, no gas money or my cell phone. You better make peace with Whitney & tell her your sister was just playing!!! Bye Bobby."

I could hear him shouting about how he was the King of R&B, would I be his tendoroni & some other such nonsense as I placed the phone back in the cradle. Leave it to a crack head to know your fininacial state before you do!!

Today Today Today

Today Today Today
I should've known I was going to have a shitty day when I yanked on my thong & it was stretched like worn out rubber baby pants!!!!

Then of course I jump in my car, hit the radio volume only to discover my favorite James Cleveland CD was scratched!!!! Jesus obviously wasn't on the main line!!!

I back out my parking space at a frantic speed - late for work, this time more than usual - & hit the damn recycle box. Fortunately it was my neighbors not mine - hee hee hee.

Of course traffic was a hot mess!!! I'm bout to burst because my new diet pills say drink plenty of water. So after an hour into my commute my bladder was super full!!!! Trying to drive with your knees crossed at the ankles just ain't easy, especially while putting on make up. So I'm minding mine when this portly, nappy head bald in the middle extra round blue work uniform wearing driving a plumber truck rolls down the window & gives me the 2 thumbs up sign. "YOU LOOK GOOD" he shouts! Of course I can't be rude - Bigmama taught me better- so I say thank you.

WELL! Talk about false encouragement. This clown proceeds to attempt a conversation while we're inching along in traffic!! AT THIS POINT I SAY ENUFF IS ENUFF!!! I gotta pee; I'm hongry - not hungry - but HONGRY as hell, & Kokeshia's Aunt Brenda baby daddy / boyfriend trying to holla!!!!

I yell "SIR, I MEAN NO HARM, BUT MY STOMACH HURT CAUSE I'M HONGRY & GOT TO PEE. MY RAZOR BUMPS ARE ITCHING AROUND MY COOCHIE & I'M LATE FOR WORK WHICH MEANS MY BOSS IS GOING TO GIVE ME A TALKING TO BECAUSE THIS IS THE 12TH TIME IN 1 MONTH!!! THE LAST THING I FEEL LIKE DOING IS CHATTING WITH MISTER PORK & BEANS IN A LONG LINE OF CARS. SO PLEASE SHUT UP & LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

I don't know I think I heard the B-Word cross his lips. Do you think I was too harsh?

The Cookout

Saturday started out pretty rough for me. I was already extremely tired from fixing my weave Friday night. By the time I finished sewing, cutting, shaping to get that natural look - God FORBID if I should emerge looking like Serena Williams. Somebody needs to kidnap that hefa and Puffy Pee Pee Diddy Mammy and tie they asses up somewhere together 'till a cure can be found. But I digress. It was 5:20am and I was beat.

Well Big Poppa happy to be Bar-B-Que King ass was up at 6am creating a bunch of racket. So I rolled out of bed to begin preparations for the cookout. We only do one or two cookouts per year as they can wear on my nerves!!! When you hear about my guests - you'll know why.

My girl Darcy was the first to arrive. She think she white so that explains the punctual thing. We said 2pm but regular black folks know that means 3:30 to 4 o'clock. My age advanced neighbor came - Ricky's invite, I would never expose the elderly to such foolishness. Then Ms. Mustafa herself arrived. LORD JESUS ON THE CROSS!!! She had on a new outfit and the personality was in full force. 'Ham Mercy.

Next our favorite couple of the ghetto - Ms. Sweet Thang and Big Daddy. Remember Sweet Daddy from Good Times; well picture him at about 200 lbs extra - sans gold tooth. Now Ms. Sweet Thang, that’s my girl. She sits back and observes everything then pronunces judgment in a loud What’s Happening Mama voice. Someone heard her big mouth @ss on the next street. Next came No Neck Nipsy with his friend Muscle Man Munch, Ms Carrabana herself along with the Jamaican Jerk Chicken of the month, Testy T and some others.

Well Mustafa sang and dance all in a fake Steven Segall movie Jamaican accent. She got a new Jamaican man, so now she's one? Testy T rolled her eyes until I was sure she would blind herself with those lashes. Carrabana was her usual it’s my world and you're just a nut I'm about to steam roll over. Fortunately Mustafa didn't pop her coochae in front of Carrabanas current flavor of the month, although she came pretty close. Gave me a flashback of what happened last time with the Prince of Zamunda and his Versace shirt. Umm umm umm real messy!!

As the spirits flowed so did the verbs. Carrabana proudly displayed how rude she could be. Mustafa called her mean & Carrabana told her to learn how to read No Neck gotta a lil out of line and Jamaican Jerk took 20 minutes to tell us one story we still didn't understand - Lord help him he tried.

But the highlight of the evening was Mustafa pontificating on how to keep her cootie cat fresh. Scented body oils from Jaheim in stall 523, labia soothing lotions, summers eve and last but not least - a peppermint in the pu$$y!!! LMAO!!

"Why not just try soap and water" touted Carrabana!!! Goodness gracious!! I thought Testy T was going to bust a blood vessel she laughed so hard

That’s why I don't have a lot of cookouts. You feed negroes a whole lot of good food and drink and they come to your house talking about their stank coochies!!! AS IF!!!

The Office

Well Folks I'm Back. A little bump in the road can't keep Ms G down but these coworkers of mine just might send me over the edge. Do these people come to work to 'work' or what? Lord, we got folks in here looking like Dolly Parton on steroids - Ms. BBB you know who you are!!!

Ms Big Brown Biach had a tummy tuck last year and LORD 'HAM MERCY!!! This chick has been out of control ever since. Girl I know your stomach is flat & you think you looking good, but don't come in here slapping folks all in the face with them over ripe melons!!! Any word on that NBA husband yet?

Next we got Ms. KFed herself. Lord somebody help this child. Sweetie if your schedule says 8:30 to 5pm don't get mad when they write you up bout coming at 9:30 or 10. "At least I'm here"!! WRONG answer my dear. They is paying YOUR ASS to work, NOT the other way around.

I'm telling you these clowns acting a fooooool in here! Stole all the peoples laptops - well at least 3 and some treo phones. Now they know better. Now I gotta find somewhere else to get my cleaning & school supplies since they're watching everything!! It only takes one greedy ass to mess it up for everybody.

Before I go just a few dress code observations I wanna make. If we can see the outline of your pubic hairs - it is NOT the proper attire for work.

If your three tattoos on your cleavage are visible - it is NOT the proper attire for work.

If your pant legs touch the top of your ankles & they're not capris, sweetie let them go.

Peanut, I know you like Versace but boo don't wear all those curves, stripes & pastels up in here. Folks is already half blind - you're going to finish the job.

To the parents - Don't nobody wanna buy nothing from Lil Ray Ray & Jennifer school fundraiser. We got our own children to sell for.

Uh Oh I gotta go, I hear my boss coming round the corner!!!