Still Called the Blues

“Party on a Saturday. Go to church on Sunday. Fun leaves you because, you got to go back to work on Monday. Anyway you look at it. Still called the blues.”

Now I know what Johnny Taylor was talking about when he sang that line. Ms G has had one of those weekends. I had some drinks on Friday, a party on Saturday and the Holy Ghost on Sunday. Brought my tired ass to work on Monday.

I had Strawberry Shortcake come over Saturday to host one of her fun filled adult novelty parties. Ms G was simply amazed at the amount of items she had to make your man want you. I mean I’m an old fashioned type of girl but I had to buy some of that super mint cream myself. Umm ummm umm that stuff is something. BBQ King gone be home ery Friday night from now on!!

Mustafa came over – yall remember her, my sista-n-law – and all I can say is either she read the invitation wrong or she’s been hanging around the Rasta’s too long and cain’t think past the weed cloud. That girl came in some fishnets, stiletto black pleather boots and a bustier with silver shiny shimmy stuff on the front. You talk about a hot moment of silence!!! I said “Girl this is a Toy party not a Costume party!” She claimed that she went to an earlier event that she wanted to look sexy for. I wanted to tell her at 200 plus pounds, you cain’t look sexy squeezed into no top that’s about to puncture your lungs. But I let it ride. I mean who am I to rain on her parade? Hemingway by the end of the night she was hopping out the door like a broke pimp had beat her ass down for her last $2 trick money. She left her boot heal stuck in my tile to prove. Limped her ass all the way through the parking lot.

Island Isadora even showed up & Ms G ain’t seeent her in some years. She still the same though. Was cuttin up from the moment she walked in. Ate up the chicken & deviled eggs like she was at KFC and laughing in that singsong voice that makes you want to take a cruise to her homeland. That girl bought all kinds of gadgets & gizmos & stuff. And she single. Honey Ms G must have missed something when I was out there. Umm umm umm. She needs stock in Duracell.

Shortcake had some kind of contraption called the mini butterfly something or nother & needed a volunteer to try it on. For demonstration purposes. So since it was my house, I figured I should be the demonstratee (see Ms G’s dictionary of slang). I slid my legs into it & before I could get my bearings she turned it on. That shit had me shaking & jerking & falling all across the floor like Isaiah Washington had called me a name. When I finally got a loose I jumped up & slapped her cross the eye with a pate filled cracker. Ms G did NOT think that shit was funny. All the guests were laughing & carrying on so, that I politely put they asses out! Ery last one of them out the door. They had to make their purchases from the back of Shortcakes Lexus truck.

Mama told me that’s what I get for letting the devils foolishness come into my living quarters. I didn’t think it was the devil but I agreed to find the nearest saint filled, preaching teaching church I could Sunday morning.

Sunday morning I made my way down to Rhode Island & 2nd street to Mt Pleasant. I had heard about Pastor Streeter and how he could lay the word on you. I was feeling so guilty ‘cause I just knew I was wearing my sins from the night before all over my forehead. Honey that minister got up there & I swear he must have been peeking in my window the night before.

“Some of you trying to fake it till you make it. You lead a double life. Sit in the church all smiles, sanging all holy & can quote scripture verbatim. But ooooooooooohh when you pass through the church doors, your skirts get shorter & shorter. You got boyfriends & girlfriends outside your marriage. You entertain all manners of foolishness in your homes hhhaaaa!”

At this point the choir starts moaning & the next thing I know I’m falling at the alter confessing about the mini butterfly. This started a chain reaction. Sistas was in there throwing all kinds of plastic and oils and such out of they purses begging for forgiveness. Umm ummm ummm. Who knew there were so many loose women in the church? Honey Ms G got redemption & promised not to cut up no more like the brothers do when they get to prison.

When it was all said and done I was drained. The collard greens, mac & cheese, and baked chicken dinner down in the church basement helped me recover somewhat. Honey it ain’t nothing like getting fed in the Lords house! I went home and prepared myself for work on Monday. Tired but a new woman. Till I walked my ass into work Monday morning and saw all the files my boss had left on my desk. I know I’ma have to pray extra hard next Sunday for all the cussing I did when I saw that shit!!!

Fade To Black

Please excuse me if my typing is a lil erratic today but I’m getting ready for the Black Bowl by drinking this liquid diet tea stuff that BeYAWNsay ‘nem be drinking – tryna get fine. Chocolate Fantasy told me to try it. I am so dizzy & bout to pass out – BUT I feel like I’m getting smaller!

Now Family yall know Ms G cannot go to Miami for Super Bowl whatever number we on in a size past 10. I mean this is the Black event of the year. Two black coaches! Super Bowl Sunday! Miami! Ummm UMM UMMM!! Yall know I’m gone cut up. Nigras will be coming out the ying yang!! I cain’t wait to hit Jumbos, 183rd flea market, USA – and please don’t even make me slap you cause you know I’m hitting Liberty City & Overtown to holla at my peoples.

See I know most people will be running to South Beach to hang out with the “celebrities” & them skinny heffas on the beach, NOT Ms G. YT will be locking them asses up to. You know they ain’t having yall running through there acting a fool Florida YT folks ain’t nevah heard of equal opportunity. Honey I am going to the real Miami. You know with the candy paint on the box Chevy’s. The real deal continuous sale on THE AVE – you can get a genuineness Tiffany’s bracelet for $50. $300 an ounce perfume for $25 – no knock off shit either, Pookae & Key Lei Lei are professional thieves with standards – which means they don’t do WAL-MART. Hell you can get a big screen on THE AVE to watch the game on. Not to mention a dime bag for a nickel – but you aint get that from me. I don’t advocate nor condone the use of illegal substances – unless you sharing.

See back in the day – before Ms G met the Lord – I used to run all up & through Opa Locka, Carroll City, Liberty City, Overtown, Hollywood – hell Ms G even got peoples in Little Havana –Mira Aqui?-, yall know Bigmama ‘nem got that Afro-Cuban in they blood. Baby peoples use to come all the way from Lauderdale when it was my night to dance at Magic City. And the Rolex? Ooooooh please! Ms G used to shut that biach down. Ummm umm I was XTRA XTRA XTRA FINE back then. Now I’m just Xtra fine but I bet I can call up Clay D, get my spot back & make some xtra super bowl flow to for the weekend.

I called Big T-Bone –Tony Dungy for those not part of the inner circle - & he was so excited to know I would be coming in for the game. He said “Ms G I want you on the sidelines with me. Holding my playbook for me” So be sure to look for me on the Jumbo Tron thing or your lil screen at home. I will be the baddest chick on the field!

I’m taking Lady Carrabana with me but I’m bout to change my mind cause she is acting up already & we ain’t even on the plane yet. That Bahamas Breeze is running around like a spinning top with all that damn hair slapping people in the face. Then on top of that she is worrying me about Bubbles A.K.A. Kill-A-Biach being there. I told her that the FBI told me he is going to be in prison for a long long long time & not to worry. So I don’t know why she tripping. Besides I send him canteen ery now & then. He cain’t do nothing with the rest of this money.

Well I gotta go to Baltimore & get my hair done. Yes I said B-More cause these D.C. heffas don’t know how to do know finger wave microwave ponytail with a fish eye on the side. Hey I gotta keep it real when I get to the bottom!

Family, 2007 is not looking like a good year for Ms G. First the Arenas party mishap – my weave hasn’t been the same since. Then I attempt to regroup and get myself together and that damn Ms New York and her mammy just threw me off the deep end again!!! I mean that has to be the simplest biach I have ever seeennntttt in my entire lifetime – she is funny as hell though. From the Lion King weave to the Lamb Chop eyelashes – IT IS JUST TOO MUCH!!! I’m not e-much gone speak on her Mama. Lord Jesus on the Cross 4 times!!! That woman gives new definition to nurture versus nature.

From turmoil & havoc at work to complete chaos on the television, I am experiencing too much trauma in large doses. I was watching those damn fools on American Idol the other night when I nearly choked to death on a damn pretzel (last time I accept a gift from Prez Bush) from laughing so hard!! What makes these peoples get on TV and act a damn fool? Now they family members know damn well they need to sit them down for a reality check before they go out to them peoples show! Did yall see the greasy Nigra in the American Apollo Creed costume??? Now really people.

Then on top of this I get to work & all my shit is gone!! That’s right gone. I said “Lawd is they done fired a Nigra and forgot to tell her?” But fortunately for them that was not the case- cause you know I would have burnt the New Plantation to the ground! It seems that some of my fellow coworkers were complaining about my incense, constant visitors, constant peel & eat shrimp smell, loud Kirk Franklin music, & Bobby Brown constantly calling asking people on my floor to go see if I was at my desk because I wasn’t answering his calls. Now Ms G has an entire floor all to her self. I feel so special. I went down to Eastern Market and got me a whole bunch of nice décor & decorative stuff for my space. Real upscale. My big screen ‘sposed to be delivered tomorrow & I’m having an office/house warming next Tuesday – covered dish of course, so don’t come empty handed!!!

With my new space it seems my luck & year may be turning around after all. I hope so. I still haven’t found out who moving my bricks outta my garden but I just went to the spy shop & bought one of those nanny cams – so we’ll see. I would love to have a longer chat with yall but I got an appointment down at Pookie & Juanita’s Touch of Class Hair Explosion Weave Emporium and Spa in North East on G Street. Got to get my weave tightened.

Statement Of Truth

Friends, Families & Haters,

I have been so upset this week I have been unable to communicate!! It seems some twisted minded nigras is spreading rumors about Ms G. Apparently it is going around that I crashed Gilbert Arenas’ party with Diana Ross and a full entourage. It has also been reported that I was dragged kicking & screaming & cussing with my ass all out & mascara running looking like a broke down Tammy Faye Baker from Club Love!!

First of all NIGRAS, Ms G doesn’t even need nor wear mascara! Secondly I ain’t ever ever ever gotta crash nobody party – Ms G is ALWAYS on the A-List – which means I had a black Arenas Express card! I WAS INVITED!!! If NIGRAS would take the time to investigate before they run around repeating what Pookie ‘Nem said then the truth would come out. I also did not appreciate News 4, 7 and Fox 5 reporting that shit like it was the gospel truth. It is only now today, that I am able to overcome my outrage & give a full TRUTH FILLED account of what happened.

On night of said event, Lady Carabana, BBB, Tokyo the Green-Eyed Bandit, BK Miller, Testy T, Whitley and I made our way to Club Love. I had an invitation & decided to bring some guest. Upon arrival at the door, this lame ass wanna be pimple faced broke no career having ass bouncer tried to flex his muscle. He told me that only one person per invite could get in. Of course I politely pointed out to his ass that the invitation said no such thing. Lady Carabana loudly stated that he “probably couldn’t read anyway” and just keep walking. Well of course I proceeded to enter the club & told my crew to follow. As said bouncer attempted to protest BBB simple flashed him, gave him a fake number & told him meet her in the alley after the club – sucker fell for it.

Hemingway – My friends and I were in the club having a great time enjoying the party until Puff Paddy spotted me. It seems he was still smarting (my Caucasian readers feel me) over my remark about him & Kim Porters kids having some big teeth. Hey if yo’ teefs is big, they just BIG!!! Some inner confusion persuaded that fool to confront me.

“Ms G – Bad Boy – I don’t appreciate – Bad Boy – you talking – Bad Boy – about my kids – Bad Boy, uh huh, uh huh –and their – Bad Boy – teeth!” he rap spoke.

Now normally he would have gotten a foot in the knee caps right off the bat, but I was dressed in my Bulgari best, no time for the foolishness. I decided to walk away. He decided to throw his drink. Well LORD JESUS ON THE CROSS TWO TIMES that fools drink landed in Lady Carabanas hair. Now yall know she is seriously channeling Diana Ross ever since she saw Dreamgirls. That biach went ballistic on Puff Paddy’s black pimple face proactive buying scrub my toenails I’ma pimp ass.

Tokyo & BK tried to get her off of him before security got there but it was too late. She beat that knee-grow like he came & stole her proactive for a commercial shoot. She was swinging & carrying on like a fool. I mean didn’t he know you DO NOT mess up Lady Carabanas hair under any circumstances? Didn’t he know how beautiful she is? Hadn’t he heard about the stampede in Home Depot? Obviously he didn’t consult her Cross Roads fan club before he made the mistake of tossing a drink anywhere near her hair.

By this time we had attracted a crowd. Testy T being her usual self pushed somebody in the back of the neck for stepping on her good shoes. The next thing I know fists are flying & shoes and earrings are coming off. Somebody grabbed my brand new weave & yanked me to the side. My Jimmy Choo Choos went flying off – I was planning on returning those to Neimans for a full refund- and I landed on my ass. When I looked up Kanye West was standing behind me holding a piece of my weave!! Now you know I jumped up & began pummeling his pastel pink wearing ass right in his big ass jaw!

Honey we were rolling around on that floor, and I jumped on his chest & started scratching his eyes out. Well I was no match for Miss Kanye – any man who hits a woman is no man at all – that NIGRAS started screaming like a wild thunder cat banshee & twisted me by the neck & started chewing on my elbows!!! Gilbert was standing there screaming, crying & yelling about us ruining his birthday party. Donna Simpson attempted to console him as he fell to his knees & that just caused him to carrying on more.

To make a long story short, security came over, the DC police and Mark, the clubs owner. I was ESCORTED from the club upright on my two feet. Now Lady Carabana, still upset about her hair, was dragged kicking & screaming ‘cause she wouldn’t let go of Puffy’s chain. Needless to say Ms BBB was nowhere to be found – switch out! I later received email pictures of her, Tokyo, BK Miller and Whitley standing next to the painted party heffas, holding up a piece of my weave with big smiles on their faces!

That night as I tried to fall asleep, I decided that I would no longer talk about people’s chilren, no matter how tore up from the floor up they are. It just a right!!! I’m going to apologize to Puffy & Kim. Just as I began to fall asleep with a smile on my face the damn phone rang.

“Hello”

“Damn Ms G! I heard you got the weave whooped off of you! Are you gone sue? I’ll be your co-defendant.” Bobby Brown asked.

I didn’t bother response. I simply unplugged the phone & said a prayer!

Politically Incorrect Potomac Principal

Lord it seems the ‘well to do’ Nigras is acting up something terrible! As most of you have heard by now there was a big ruckus over at that fancy Churchill high school in Potomac. The chilrens was running round fightin & carrying on, beat up an old security guard on his second job, just plain foolishness. Of course the news media was completely shocked as this type of stuff does not occur in “affluent” areas. Yeah right, as if money will keep your ass from acting a fool. But the straw that not only broke the camels back, but bent that biach neck, choked it, kicked it to the ground & kilt it (translation; kilt = killed) was the politically INcorrect phraseology the principle, Ms Benzo, used in a letter she sent home. Let me quote that biach, ‘cause Ms G don’t want to get nothing that Ho said wrong:

Quote “Every incident revolving around this two month ordeal has been Black-on-Black violence” unquote


Translation:

“These niggers is over here acting a GOT DAMN fool, tearing up shit & gang fighting all over the damn place like they at Ballou. But don’t worry YT folks; your little darlings are being their normal meth addicted alcohol binging well behaved selves. They don’t have anything to do with this. They know better!”

Now when the Wash Post contacted me to get my opinion this morning, I promptly declined to give it. Close your mouth – I know you’re shocked. Yes I am opinionated. Yes I have something say bout erything. But some shit you just cain’t comment on.

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand where that biach was coming from and what she was trying to say. ‘Cause yall know Ms G will talk about NIGRAS (F.Y.I. Nigga has been banned-per Rev Jessie) acting up in a heart beat. She just went about that shit all wrong. Those of us in the “people of color” category know that nigras will “tear down hell” as Bigmama likes to say. Who among us have not shook our heads, looked down & commentated on how nigras will mess up anything.

When we go to the club and got to crawl out in our new Marc Jacobs spandex outfits ‘cause nigras always gotta shoot & fight. Or when a restaurant, club, wash & rent, or new project complex opens up really nice and new looking & a few months later that shit look like 1980’s Beirut. For example, Gladys Knight & Stonefish over in the Cap Centre at the Blvd had to change their hours temporarily, and close early, cause NIGRAS was over there throwing chairs, fighting & carrying on tearing up them peoples nice place. I ain’t gone even mention Golden Corral. I’ll let Lady Carabana tell you bout that when she see ya.

Now in all fairness to Ms Benzo, who made an apology and whom I’m sure has "several black friends” (yall know the standard liberal line) she did try to calm the nigras down. You know the urban kid interventions, the parent/student/antagonist/protagonist arbitration lets talk type of deal.

In reality what should have happened was the parents should have went out to that school & beat dem kids’ ass for even trying to be in a gang, when a such a quality education is at hand. And folks wondering why Oprah had to go all the way to South Africa & build a school? ‘Cause like she pointed out – AMERCAN KIDS IS JUST LOST!!!

Now I know I am going to get some angry emails about this & my answer to that is – WATCH CHRIS ROCKS STANDUP!!! NIGGERS & BLACK PEOPLE.

I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE BUT I HATE NIGGERS!!!

Now if yall excuse me I got to run down to club Love & sneak in and beat Gilbert Arenas black ass cause I didn’t get my invitation to his party. Got my weave wet set & erything!!

2007 Foolishness Already

Family I thought this year was going to be calm. I thought knee-grows were going to start having some sense. WRONG!! WRONG!! WRONG!!!! YT is confused, running around the office like they don't know THE PLANTATION done caught fire & burneth to the ground. Knee-Grows up in here faxing applications for income tax anticipation loans already!!! Lordy Lordy!!!

On New Years Eve Ms G made the decision that she was going to be a nicer sweeter kinder person. I wasn't gone talk about nobody nappy weave. They ugly chilrens pictures on they deskeses - or they high water pants (I know I'm killing yall with this vernacular-dictionary-but I got some new readers in West Virginia & Alabama). But just when I think I'm out, they pull Ms G back in.

Mr Charlie is really trying to rebuild the plantation. Honey he got Mr Martin hiding all in peoples cubicles trying to spy on 'em. Have you ever? I told Ms BBB she should have given him a shot of her rusty thong. That'll teach 'em.

Jaunita finally taking half of Michael ass - should've done it when I showed her those pictures of him & that YT toothpick at Clydes at the Verizon Center - but people gotta learn. President Pretzel sending more troops cross the water & my sister Slenderella a.k.a. Sexy Slim tomboutsome she glad cause she gone fight for her country. Her gun bigger than she is, how the hell she gone run through the sand? I told her ass she better talk to Shoshanna. She'll be the one getting shot up, broke bones while YT girl get the money, movie & a new trailer for running & hollering.

All this calamity going on I needed to go home & retreat into a serious prayer meditation session. Going straight to my bedroom, I rolled down to my yoga mat & began my chant. I was channeling all the spirits of everybody. Unfortunately BBQ King and Lil G didn't get the message. Them fools was running through the house & breaking my current like somebody was at the door with free popeyes chicken. I could not concentrate with this foolishness. I put down my donut & decided to go to home depot & buy supplies so I could build me a soundproof prayer room.

Home Depots parking lot was full. There were camera trucks, reporters all kinds of people. Damn! I would pick the week of they CEO's quitting to bring my ass in here. I push my way into the store & what a sight did I see. My cousin, yall know Lady Carabana, had her nappy head ass standing on top of the service desk with her hair flying all over her damn head looking like a broke down Diana Ross & a pre crack rehab Whitney wrapped up in one!!

She was sanging - not singing - BUT SANGING the shit out of that Listen song from Dreamgirls! She was channeling FIERCE Diana. Swinging her head from side to side, popping her eyes and erything. Then she stopped closed her eyes & belted out the beggining strings of Jennifer Holidays '...And I am Telling You!!!' The crowd went wild! I had to push my way to the service desk. Jerk Chicken, her boyfriend, was standing his simple ass up there clapping & carrying on encouraging her. That boy ain't got a lick of sense.

"Carabana! Get your ass of that desk & go comb your damn hair!!! What's wrong with you? You know Ms Carrot 'nem gone see this on CNN & go tell Bigmama" I screamed.

Honey that Bahamas bound creole slant eye heffa looked down at me like I had lost my mind. My outburst seemed to only make that heffa sing harder. Ok this was going to mean war. Our family name was at stake. We couldn't have her on national TV with her roots looking wrong.

I ran to my car & went in my emergency knee-grow project rescue kit. Retrieved the necessary items & dashed back in the store. I got Carabanas attention & told her it was her last chance to get off that counter & comb her hair. That sow kept right on sanging & turned her back on me.

I turned around and asked some nearby observers to help me on top of the counter. Men ain't got no strength these days. It took dem niggas (sorry Revs Jessie & Al - I know yall banned this word) ten minutes to get me up there. One of 'em was even yelling he broke his arm. I whipped out my Organic Grow box perm, beauty stove & flat irons & tackled that heffa to the ground.

"I'M DIANA ROSS!!! I'M DIANA ROSS" Carabana screamed while rolling around, kicking & trying to cover her head. She was no match for Ms G. I slapped that perm on there in record time & rinched it right out with my Big Gulp cup.

I know Carabana is going to be really mad with me but when she sees the news tonight & how her Kizzi & Kunta Kinte ancestors were jumping all over her head she will thank me. After this ordeal I was too tired to even think about building my prayer room. I decided I would give Gail a call when I got home and ask her to ask Oprah to build me one. She seems to like building stuff for people. Look at that school in South Africa. Real real nice & my prayer room won't cost half as much.